Not Knowing

 

It was a cool morning of November in Ahmadabad. The weather was  changing from hot ,humid to dry and cool -rather a pleasant one. Rays of sun were entering through the curtain gaps in the drawing room of our apartment. I got up and started for my morning walk.

The road was relatively calm. Very less traffic. It looks nice when you see the path from a high-rise building as it is covered with trees on both sides. So, the atmosphere on the road was slight chilly with sun rays filtering in – creating a Tyndall effect. I was walking in the freshness of the morning in my slightly jutted Nike walking shoes. Suddenly, I heard a shrill cry of a bird. It mesmerized me and touched me somewhere deep. I was not able to identify the bird , where it was and its voice. But hearing the bird sing touched me deep inside. I felt beautiful , rather joyous. The joy was not of excitement of something new but of serene quality, which I am unable to describe in words. Suddenly, a car honked behind me and I was startled back to reality. What was that serene joy? How come it touched me? Probably, it was because I could not identify the bird or it’s cry and was not able to categorize it. The “not knowing” created those few seconds of serene joy. I was just able to listen-- listen to the voice, which I had not heard nor was able to know the source of. I was able to experience joy because of “not knowing”, if only for a moment. I thought to myself- wow, ignorance is bliss.  Is it not? I have been wondering ever since, on how to inculcate this quality of “ not knowing” and being fully present in the moment.

 I know the importance of meditation and practice it religiously. A relaxed pose for sitting and paying attention to breathing the air in and  out . I have been asked repeatedly,” Does it help?”. My answer is always the same,” You will know if you try”.  You just have to create conditions to make it happen. Another great advice is, to be mindful or aware. Aware of what is happening around your surroundings, in your body and in your mind. Noticing the happenings around you, your body movements, your mental reactions, emotions and every-thing. I strongly feel, the ability of being aware, makes a person observant and in-turn a patient listener. And that listening, is a great facilitator in coaching conversation.

 In my early coaching conversation, the client was not sure what she wanted to pursue in her career/life. She was speaking out and I was listening not knowing what to ask. My silence and pauses made her think and she was able to direct her thought process towards the goal she wanted to achieve. When I reflected back, I realized I hardly did anything. Rather, I was at loss of  what questions to ask . However , her feedback emphasized that  she was able to speak out her mind, because I listened to her patiently. So what was my role, in her thought process? Probably, remain in that land of “not knowing” and not anticipating how the coaching session will unfold. Can we cultivate this type of observation, listening?

Chad Hall’s second prescription to being non-judgmental  is “ Going to a movie”.  What a strong metaphor! He advises to treat the coaching conversation as if you are watching a  movie where your client is the hero who achieves victory in the end. Reminding yourself, that you are going to hear, the movie of a hero, who incidentally happens to be your client, seems like a practicable advice. You are not the director of the movie, you are not writing the story, nor are you acting in it. You are a spectator. Definitely, an observant one! Probably you are just helping the client to act in it fully. This example is really the most well-suited metaphor for  being a Coach. The only warning is not getting too emotionally involved in the movie! I think this should take care of the listening advice: To not being judgmental! And I am enjoying the journey of achieving just that!

How to listen

 

            

I am an avid reader , rather a greedy reader whose “to read” list is constantly growing and never  sees an end. I have that innate feeling that I am not reading enough and absorbing knowledge. I would like always to see that I am one step ahead – of whom , God knows. I would like myself to be seen as well-read and informed person so reading is a passion for me. I also like to listen interesting people talk or people talk about their interesting ideas. So here it goes I like to listen , to read and discuss ideas and of course implement few of them that have helped me change - for the better I believe.

Being a good listener, I decided to exploit this quality of mine into becoming a Coach.I completed a coach training and now I am on my journey to being a coach.

We are born and brought up in an education system, in career path to prove ourselves. To prove that you know something better than others. You acquire skills, information, form opinions and judgments. Of course all this is necessary to navigate this complex world. But when it comes to coaching this  ability is   hindrance. Coaching is helping the client/ coachee to find his /her solutions and inspire them to act on it. So your knowledge is often a hindrance to what the client is saying. You are there as a thinking partner of the client and not a solution provider. Author  Chad Hall MCC , in his book “ Coaching Mindset -8 ways to think like a coach”  says the first prescription is to “ Take a dumb pill”. How apt and interesting ?But alas if that was easy!

Every time you listen to something you start interpreting it in your mind. And this may be a subconscious process – of which you are not even aware of. Other day in a peer coaching session I was coaching a person. He chose a topic to be discussed and behold, my mind started passing judgments. Is it a topic for Coaching? What is he going to do with this? Does he want to prove something? Is he faking it? Is he just filling the time? Whole lot of things ran in my mind. By the time I was again in the dialog much water had flown. I realized that I should have taken a dumb pill. I should have been able to unlearn all my learning and be present with the client ,understanding that the topic he has chosen is important for him. So how to go about it? There is no dumb pill available. How wonderful it would have been if there really was a pill which you can take and effect will last only for coaching session. But no, that is just pure fantasy.

So how you become present without judgment interfering in the process. Just listen. Suddenly I remembered a video I had seen sometime back of J Krishnamurty.  “The art of Listening, seeing and Learning” . In this video he is answering a question about which is the highest form of art? Listening without judging, evaluating , without memory coming into picture and interpreting what is being said from the past accumulated knowledge. This he calls highest form of art. He quotes a beautiful example of  listening to a person who is wearing a perfume. If you like the perfume then your listening will be different and if you are repelled by the perfume your listening will be completely different. So whatever you feel, perceive through senses affects listening. How true. In the example I gave above it was the topic of discussion itself coloured my further listening. So how to go about it . I do not have ready answers for this. I think it takes time to master the art of listening. Being non- judgmental, being not smart than the other person, being present with the person. I think these are conscious choices one should make. If I can make these choices I am sure I am on my right path to being a coach.

Not only this if we just listen probably we will find deeper meaning in our relationships. We will listen to nature and its voice and understand how we are connected[. Oh I think I am becoming too philosophical. But can we have techniques to improve our listening. Being present in the conversation. That could be another post I think.

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