Improv and Crayons

         

In a recent Peer Coaching conversation with a senior executive of a Company I realized that my questions were in a way, driving him to reach his objective. Of course, this was post session realization. Being a seasoned coach himself he said your questions were good and focused and made him  think about how to reach his goal.  He also added that I demonstrated almost all Coaching competencies in a structured manner. But somehow, I sensed, something else, in the comment. Were my questions too structured and focused on the goal? Was I inhibiting the client to unpack more?

 

 International Coaching Federation (ICF) defines coaching as “partnering with clients in thought- provoking and creative process that inspires them to maximize their personal and professional potential”.  In this case I was doing the same. I also got similar  feedback from others, that you are very focussed in the discussion. Is it good or bad, I don’t know? Probably my educational training as an Engineer subtly drives me to a structured way of coaching conversation in which client goal is paramount. Maybe I have an unconscious pressure that client goal for the session should be achieved, otherwise the conversation is futile. Every activity should be outcome oriented. Is it not?

 

This reflection suddenly reminded me of few prescriptions, by Chad Hall MCC: Follow the first rule of Improv and Think like a kid with Crayon.

 

Improv is a comedy in which the plot, characters and dialog are made up on the spot. There is no written script, everything happens in the moment. A beautiful demo of improv can be seen here (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v7sZelG8fY0 ). It is like going with flow in the conversation. This  is a comedy where presence of mind and non-interpretation of what the other person has said, has paramount importance. The comedy unfolds instantaneously.

 

In coaching, the coach has to follow this. He should flow along with the  client without interpreting what the  client is saying. Respond to the  client what he has just said. Go along with his thought process.  I realized that, I have to step back and un condition myself, from my organised way of thinking, so that I can follow this advice.

 

In our daily conversations have we noticed, how many times we have a desire to reach the outcome fast. In our fast-paced world we want everything to happen fast.  A person has come to ask you something, and you do not allow him/her to express him/her completely. You do not follow the conversation thread. You have some ideas about how this should go. These ideas are dictated by the role you play- that of a father/ mother, sister, colleague, boss, subordinate and the role, the other person is playing.  Also, many a times we do this because we are busy, or we are not there in the conversation. How wonderful it would be if we follow that rule of improv.  I think this will give a feeling of being listened and being present in the conversation to the other person. I believe then that such conversations we have with people will be more enriching, and will lead to stronger connections.

 

The other prescription: think like a kid with crayon. This took me back to my daughters’ younger days. When we admitted her to pre school- We were informed that your child may paint on a wall of your house with crayons. Please let her do that and do not restrict her. At school also, they  have  kept a wall in the class room, where children can paint with crayons. I remembered, how my daughter used to scribble with crayon on the wall of our tiny flat. She made the wall, look like a giant abstract painting. What was important, was the way she enjoyed drawing on the wall. That smiling glint in her eyes, made us understand, that she was thoroughly enjoying the activity.

 

In the coaching conversation the client has decided to reach a certain  goal. Mostly his internal state of mind, his beliefs about himself are the roadblocks, to achieve that goal. The coach is partnering with him, to understand what is that, that is blocking him. When coach along with the client, starts thinking like a kid with crayon, it allows the client to vividly paint a picture of goal, he wants to achieve. It also gives scope for his imagination, as to what impact it will have on his life, when he achieves that goal. This is kind of a dreaming process, albeit an open one and shared with the coach. This process, I feel gives a joy to the client of imagining his future state and not only that, allows him to discover his strengths and limiting beliefs. It is a process of discovery, for the client. Someone has said, that human being is the story, he is telling himself. This kind of story telling, will definitely help the client to transform himself. It will help him to energise and get inspired  to achieve his goal.

 

We dream, when we are kids. As we grow up, the conditioning we go through, starts putting limitations on our dreams. We start forming beliefs about our abilities, and what we can achieve and what we cannot. Of course, a person who has never climbed a hill ,cannot immediately conquer Mt. Everest. But if he dreams and is willing to do the necessary hard work, he can definitely climb Mt. Everest. What is important, is the capacity to dream and to act on that dream. In this world where success is defined by external factors and consumerism is reigning supreme, we are trying ourselves to conform to those norms, and our dreams are deeply influenced by these norms.   Probably I am again becoming too philosophical here.  But I must remind myself, that next time in a conversation be it coaching or otherwise, I will try and help the speaker to think like a kid with crayon.

 

Many of our day-to-day conversations become dull and boring. We just chitchat, ask about weather or any other topic of current affairs /interest  and then the steam fizzles out. The conversations that ensue, are just transactional and not deep and invigorating.  I read somewhere, that we can intersperse the conversation, with following question after the normal chitchat to make it more interesting.

 

“What is that you felt joyous about in last week (yesterday, last fortnight, last month). Pl tell me”

I am sure, this simple trick will lead you to invigorating conversations. And these conversations will help you,  to strengthen the bond with the person you are conversing.

 

Recently my wife and I had  gone to a jewellery shop in Ahmadabad. The shop was recommended by a friend, as it has some really brilliant designs of jewellery. After seeing some samples of bangles, necklaces, we just happened to ask – What is rate of 22 Ct gold in the shop. The sales guy told us the rate. My inquisitive persona did not sit quiet and I checked up the rate of Gold at Ahmadabad on Google. Meanwhile the owner of shop came to us and was enquiring about what we have finalized. In the ensuing conversation, I remarked “ It seems that the Gold rate of your shop is less than the published rate of Gold for Ahmadabad “.  Behold, the owner picked up  blank sheet  of paper and pen and explained how the gold rate is arrived at. He explained, what is rate on Commodities exchange, what is the rate in International market, what is the tax structure on gold imported. How the rate is derived in India , why there is a difference in the rate on Commodities exchange and imported gold. I got lot of information about gold rate. I felt glad that I was enriched by the knowledge I got in the shop than the routine experience of gold purchase with my wife.

 

We came back home and I was reflecting on the incidence – how my remark, has started a long conversation, in an otherwise transactional business. I felt good, that I have improved my conversational skills- probably due to my coach training. I felt good, that I am slowly but steadily plodding along, my coaching journey because, I was able to extract lot of information, with a simple remark. Pat on my back.

 

After some time, I thought;  was my comment neutral?  Did it contain something else?  Was the feeling, that how come the rate at this shop, is less than the published rate, has created a doubt in my mind, about the purity of gold in the shop?   Oh, now I was in shaky waters. I realized, that the comment was not so innocuous one, as I had thought earlier and patted myself about improvement in my coaching skills.   I also ,realized that the response from the owner, was  something more. Probably, he has sensed my doubt about purity of gold – and hence, he took efforts, to explain to me ,how the gold rate is arrived. Now the light dawned upon me.

 

In any conversation, we would like to prove something to other. Either, we want to prove that We are better than the other, know more than the other, smarter than the other or have something to achieve from the other. The conditioning, a human being goes through, because of education, society , upbringing, makes him/ her to prove him/herself. That gets reflected, in every activity, a human being undertakes. Probably, it may not be obvious to the person concerned , may be it is an innate subconscious process. Self interest in whatever form, reigns supreme.    The same was true in my conversation, though earlier I felt differently.

 

Chad Hall MCC says during a coaching conversation – “Embrace the primitive”. How true!  Primitive as I understand, is as not knowing. Asking a question, after interpreting the thoughts, shared by the client, through your own conditioned and knowledgeable mind is a complete No No.  Coaches are aware, that powerful questioning is an essential competency, required for having an effective coaching conversation. Then, what is the meaning of “Embrace the primitive “?

As I understand this-  it is asking questions without any assumptions, without knowledge interfering with the listening process. How come you can understand a conversation, without interpreting? To understand, you must know the language a client/ person is speaking. Otherwise, all spoken words are nothing but noise. But then we have an innate tendency, to ascribe more meaning to a word, phrase, than may be necessary. We sometimes project emotions, that we feel, the other person is going through. Other day in a coaching session, the client said that, he is not able to practice his hobby. He was aware of the benefits, the hobby was providing, but still did not have clue, as to why he was not able to practice it. The client being a busy executive, my mind raced and interpreted it, as question of prioritizing his activities. So, the questions then followed, were not primitive but has sprung out of my interpretation. Though the session, was successful, this realization kept me thinking, as to how I can ask questions, which are simple rather, I will say basic.  

 

Just listening, not knowing and embrace the primitive are all interrelated. The key to ask simple questions, is to just listen from state of not knowing and ask questions. So, practice listening with not knowing. May be silence is the best primitive question in a conversation.

 

How to practice Listening, with not knowing. I am sharing some of the things, which are helping me, on my journey, to become a good listener. Hope this may help you.

 

When you are in nature, try to listen to the silence between the sounds. For example, you are at a sea beach, then try to listen to the silence between roaring of waves. Or in the morning, the silence between the chirping of birds. This can also be done, when talking to someone. Try to listen, to the gaps between the words spoken.

 

The second practice which can make you more present in listening is a practice suggested by many masters of different religions. The practice is -when you are conversing with someone -imagine that, this is your last conversation with the person, you are not going to have next conversation because the person may not be alive tomorrow.  Some may feel awkward about, how to imagine that a person may not be there tomorrow. The realization that, this may be the last conversation, with the person you are speaking, makes you more present and in the moment. Probably, you also drop your judgements, leave out past impressions of the person and also, your past experiences with this person. What you will be able to do, is pure listening. I am sure, this practice will have a profound impact, on the way you listen.