Mental Models- Alternate Reality

 

See the excerpt below from a journal of a young Indian man

Family: My father was an upright Govt officer- a low level bureaucrat. He used to work diligently in the office and used to resent people who eschew work under one pretext or other. He was well read and well-informed person. But he never appreciated me. He always used to criticize me. Whatever may be my achievement I used to get a feeling that he was not satisfied. If I got A in a subject, he will ask why not A+. He always used to say “Not failure but low aim is crime”. There was no encouragement and appreciation from him. My mother was a working woman. She was very disciplined, organized and a courageous lady. She inculcated a habit of organization and discipline in me. Probably because of work and home responsibilities she became slightly harsh and strict. Many a times I craved for that motherly warmth. …

Work: I passed Engineering degree from a decent school with flying colors. I was lucky to get placement in a prestigious company. My present boss interviewed me then and selected me. I was elated to join the organization. But after couple of years in the place I realized that this is a very competitive place. Many of my colleagues, superiors are from prestigious engineering schools such as IIT. My boss also passed out from one of the IITs. Whenever I present some new ideas, I find they are not much discussed. I also realized that couple of my ideas were sold to upper management by my boss as his. He is with all his blue-eyed boys from IITs. He takes interest in the projects given to them, discusses those projects and guides them. He helps them. I know I am technically a sound person, I can work independently, as well as in a team. But then I don’t get the recognition I deserve. Is it because I am from a vernacular background school? Is it because my English is not as polished as those boys, or am I poor in presentations? I don’t know. I wonder how come my boss selected me in the campus interview. What did he see in me?  …

Love: I was in an engineering school and a branch of engineering where there was no interaction with students of fair gender. I was lucky enough that I got married. It was an arranged marriage. My wife is also an engineer four years junior to me. She is slim and tall with an oval face and wheatish complexion. The spectacles on her face make her look pretty and intelligent. She studied in an English medium school. She is competent and technically sound. She is a lecturer in an Engineering school. She has finished her masters and would like to complete Doctorate. She would like to become a professor and would like to do research. She is intelligent that I can discuss lot of things with her. I am lucky that I don’t get bored in her company. She speaks fluent English and way better than me in presentations and putting forth her view point. She would like to have a stint in US University. Sometimes secretly I feel she is far better than me. What she has seen in me. If she completes her Ph.D. and goes to America what will happen to me? I secretly feel she should remain here and take care of my family but I do not have courage to say this openly. How this is going to unfold? …

Self: I am sincere, intelligent hard-working person. I would like to deal fairly with people and I expect people should also deal fairly with me. I am punctual, disciplined and organised. I am somewhat reserved and prefer company of books to that of people. Occasionally I would like to enjoy a drink with my close friends. I feel unhappy about the injustice happening around. But I do not have time (or shall I say courage) to fight it out. I prefer conciliation than confrontation. I am aware that to progress in a corporate setup I would have to polish my language and presentation skills. I will have to become more people oriented. I hate hypocrites. ……

Money: You can earn money if you ‘work’ diligently and smartly. I am reading books on stock market investment and I am sure I can use that knowledge to increase my wealth. I am a frugal person and lucky that my wife shares some of my interests here, though she is not frugal. I believe in long term planning for money. Postponing gratification for better future is my motto……

God: I don’t know whether I believe in God. I know there is some power, energy which runs this universe. But I feel that power is indifferent to me. I am brought up in a religious household but curiously nobody has forced those ideas on me. I have been given freedom to follow my way. I read a lot about spirituality, meditation but yet to come to a firm conclusion. Most of the times these ideas are shadowed by the day-to-day struggles and challenges of living……

What we can see from above, is that a person uses many models while dealing with various facets of life. In the words of Prof. Srikumar Rao “Your life is jumble of mental models. You use them for EVERYTHING.

You have one model that tells you who to fall in love with, another that evaluates how you are doing in your job, a third that lets you know if your child is growing well, a fourth that spurs you into getting a divorce, a fifth that picks your friends and so on and so forth. You have constructed dozens of these structures over the years and collectively they rule your life. “ 

How true! Just pause and think over this. These models collectively construct your reality. And you name it as” your reality”. The exercise mentioned in the previous post of journaling helps you to understand your dominant mental models. In the excerpt given above, you feel a common thread running in the young mans’ narration. And it is that, he is always comparing himself, with others and seeking some external validation for himself. But that may not be obvious to him when he is living his life. So, what is the way out? Can a person change his mental models for the better?

Prof. Srikumar Rao here introduces a revolutionary idea. He says “The idea that can cause turmoil is the seemingly innocuous one that all persons perceive the world differently…..In the overwhelming majority of cases where we actively use the idea that persons have different perceptions , we are looking outward. We are examining somebody else.”

Yes, we are aware of this that persons have different perceptions. We try to understand the other party in negotiations, while dealing with our significant other, while dealing with friends, while dealing with class teacher of our child and so on. But it never occurs to us that if other persons can have different perceptions (mental models), can we adopt different mental models than we presently hold.

Again in the words of Prof. Srikumar Rao: “ It is when that we look inside that we place the detonator in the plastique. We start to see that if others can have different world views, then we ourselves, can change ours. …It tells that “ the world we live in is the one we constructed it out of bits and pieces. We made it out of our mental models and then lived by their dictates. And having done all this, we proceeded to carry on living with our lives without ever realizing that our mental models were made up merely of perceptions and not facts.”

Further Prof Rao goes on to suggest to perform a thought experiment called Alternate reality. What he advises is go back to mental model exercise and pick any one situation that is troubling you right now. Pick up that situation and the reality you feel you are facing. Examine that through many dimensions and create an alternate reality for the situation. “ It is important that You , personally be able to accept the alternate reality as you devise.”

For example, in the excerpt above, the young man can take alternate reality for his father’s behavior. His father was not praising him so that he becomes tough and can face the external world in an effective way. It was his way of showing affection to him. If the young man accepts this alternate reality and start thinking about the events, he may find solace, may feel grateful towards his father.

Or take another situation at work. He may be really good in his work that his boss never calls him for giving directions which he is doing for his other colleagues. The young man may accept this alternate reality and start acting accordingly which will help him to boost his confidence and self-esteem.

Or take another situation. You along with your family have shifted to a new apartment complex. There are two neighbors on your floor. One neighbor is a gentle lady who is open and willing to help you in the new place. She talks to you and your family members and genuinely connects with you. You have another neighbor who you find distant. The neighbor only smiles, does not respond to your hellos, or your overtures to connect with him. His wife also seems to be distant and reserved. With this you feel, that second neighbor to be reserved and may be cold or snobbish. You have made this impression, with whatever interaction you had with this neighbor. In the alternate reality exercise – you can think that this neighbor is also good, he would like to connect with you and your family but something is holding him back. He may be facing some other important challenge, that he is not able to connect with you, the way you want. Create this impression in mind and remain with it and see what happens.

 The rules here in this exercise are, create an alternate reality for the situation which seems plausible and you can accept that. Once you create that reality, try to find out evidence and write it down in journal that this alternate reality is working. Don’t pick most horrendous thing that is bothering you now. It is similar to jogging or weight lifting. You don’t start jogging 20 km on first day or lift a weight of 100kg on first day. You gradually increase the distance while jogging and same with weight. Here in this thought experiment also pick up a situation which is not that complex and try this exercise and see what happens.

“ I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become” Carl Jung.

How to be aware of Mental Models?

 

Recently I received a WhatsApp forward. It was about Coffee bin jar, in a perfume shop. It was like this.

Unlearning is important.

Jar of coffee bean in the perfume store. Why is it used? Is there something we can learn? A handful of coffee bean is so important to sell an expensive bottle of perfume.

How?

When you try perfumes, after 4th or 5th, you are unable to distinguish between fragrance. Bring in the jar & you smell the coffee bean & you undergo a process of unlearning, due to its strong fragrance, your brain now only remembers coffee. You can now start testing perfumes again. All happens within in a minute.

What's the catch?

We have an amazing power to unlearn & move on to new things, we got it as a process of evolution, with time we have forgotten how to "let it go", this is called unlearning. Creativity & productivity gets enhanced when you learn to let things go.

 

For smelling different perfumes, we need a break of Coffee bin jar so that we can unlearn the earlier perfume smells. Unlearning is a conscious process. When we are interacting with the world, with our mental models, we actually need a “coffee bin Jar”, to unlearn these models so as to “smell new fragrances” the world is offering?  For this to happen we should be aware of our mental models. Otherwise, what we see and what is out there, is completely different and our responses go awry. I remember a story somewhere I read. A master is telling his students about importance of unlearning. He says, when looking at Full Moon, a lover sees the face of his beloved, while a hungry beggar sees a bread.

 

 I come from Lower middle-class background, so frugality with money was a virtue for us. All the things that are purchased should be used optimally. A toothpaste, we used to squeeze till its last drop. Now I am in a position that I should not be so frugal. I can afford to purchase toothpastes as and when required. But this frugality is so deep rooted that if the toothpaste is not used completely and thrown away, I feel hurt about it. Why I am feeling this hurt? This is the conditioning or the mental model which I am holding. I am not saying that you should waste resources, absolutely not. But this mental model is clearly giving me feeling of sadness, at least in respect of toothpaste. So I have to be aware and be conscious of the fact, that now, if I am not using the toothpaste, till its last drop , it is ok and should not feel bad about it.

In the last blog post I posted a picture at the end. What did you see?

 In “Seven habits of highly effective people” Steven Covey narrates the  following story.

 This picture was distributed to two groups of employees of a company separately. They were asked to see the picture and describe it to the other group without showing the picture given to them. One group saw a young girl in the picture and started describing her eyelid, her hat and her hair. The other group was aghast, as they saw an old woman with a big nose, scarf around her hair , who seems to be unhappy. This really led to strong disagreement between the two and no group was willing to accept the other groups’ description. What they saw, was the reality for them. But then the instructor explained them, that there are, both young girl and Old woman present in the picture. You have to look for it. Once you see clearly without clinging to your first impression of the picture you can see both. Just see the video below that will help you to see both young and old woman in the picture.

 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qQCHWBKrkew)

 This is what happens with us. We interpret the happening, the world around us and take it as the reality. And we cling to that as our reality.  This distorts our perception and the responses, to the situation we are in.  If we are able to see things/ happening around us, as “they are” we will be able to respond appropriately, which may help us to live life spontaneously and joyfully rather than getting caught into spiral of incorrect responses, reactions and ensuing unhappiness. So unlearning is essential to see the happenings, the world around us as “it is”.

How can we do that? For that to happen we should become aware of the lens (“Mental model”) we are using. How can we be aware of the mental model?

Prof. Srikumar Rao in his book suggests a way. He advises reader to keep a journal with four columns

Family, Work, Love, Self

He says” Before you do this exercise, I urge you to think of yourself as a scientist. The laboratory and the object of study are both yourself. Do this practice as objectively as you can. “

He further advises that one should write continuously for 10 minutes what comes to mind for each of these columns. This writing should be such that nothing that comes to mind should be  edited or censored by the thinking mind. This process itself makes one aware of his dominant mental models.

Under family – “My father never praised me” comes to your mind first then you should continue writing along the line and see what comes out.

 I would like to add two more columns to this.

Money, God/ Universe/Supreme power

Write freely what comes to your mind under these also.

This is an exercise in self-aware ness. The writing and reflecting on the writing will let you understand mental models you are using. Once you are aware of the models that you use , you can modify , replace the models that are not working for you.

This journal along with a coaching conversation with a coach will make you understand yourself on a deeper level. Once you start the journey of understanding yourself, you can start on the journey of self-awareness and then ultimately start a journey of personal mastery.

“Awareness is all about restoring your freedom to choose what you want instead of what your past imposes on you.” Deepak Chopra

 

What are Mental Models?

    

      

It was a summer morning in Ahmadabad. I had started my morning walk. The atmosphere was pretty warm, even in the early hours of the morning. To avoid direct sun, I had a chosen a road, which is covered with trees and some tall buildings, so their shade makes my walk pleasant. Ahmadabad is peculiar, as far as stray dogs are concerned. I have stayed in many cities of India but the population of stray dogs, in Ahmadabad is very large, as compared to other cities. And the culture here, is of not harming the animals.  I see couple of  ladies feeding the dogs on the road in the morning. Ahmadabad Municipal Corporation does not cull the stray dogs but just sterilizes them. So, on every corner of road there are 3 -4 dogs. Some dogs have propensity, to climb on the hood of the car, parked on the side of the road. Though they are harm less, you have to be alert to their presence, to avoid any untoward incidence. I was walking on the road and on the footpath at some distance away, I saw a brown dog, a big one. I became alert and continued walking. When I reached near it, I felt suddenly relieved. It was not a dog but a trunk of a tree cut and kept on the footpath. That brown trunk, looked like dog to me from a distance. How your mind plays tricks on you! I was alert to stray dogs on the road, so I saw a dog in the tree trunk. I smiled at myself.

How many times, we see a dog, an elephant, a face, in the clouds above, though there is none. Are our senses, tricking us? Or, are our thoughts creating images? We are programmed, to look at the world around us in a certain fashion. This programming through which we see the world is known as our world view or our mental model.  

 

 Prof. Srikumar Rao in his book “ Are you ready to succeed: Unconventional strategies for achieving personal mastery in Business and life”  says- “A mental model is the notion, we have, about how the world works or how things are done or ought to be done.” It is an inner representation, through which we provide meanings, to the events happening in and around us. We use mental models, to explain ourselves why things happen, to console ourselves, to satisfy ourselves and to tell us, what we should do, in a particular situation. Through mental models, we evaluate events, happening to us and around us and try to find meaning, security, sustenance and happiness from the events.

 Most of the times, we are not aware, that we are using mental models. The classic case, is the example, I have given you above, about seeing a dog, in the trunk of the tree lying on the footpath.  These mental models, are formed because of the conditioning, we have gone through in life due to our family, our upbringing, education, society, culture, work place, our experiences, advertisements and so on.  It is not that, mental models per say, are good or bad. If we want to change ourselves for the better, be happy, perform at peak in our chosen profession, we should be able to understand, what models we are using and discard the ones, which are not supporting our growth.

Prof. Srikumar Rao says that - “The first block to personal mastery – and one of the biggest- is our unquestioned mental models. These are our fixed ideas of how the world works and how things should or shouldn’t be done. --- We have different models for different situations- for work, for love, for our families. We have dozens of them that we use and some of them may actually be in direct conflict with others and we may not even know it. In fact, much of the stress in our lives arises from this lack of awareness.”

Some of the mental models which we can see around (In India at least) are-  

For a young student   – If I study hard, get a good education, preferably from premier institute of India, then I will get good job and then I can be happy.

About work place- In my work place, the atmosphere is very competitive. Everybody wants, to win at any cost. People with connections and influence, get promoted faster, there is no place for merit.

 A common mental model about Govt.- All govt officers are corrupt. Govt institutions does not work.

On family - one should marry with in class, caste, religion, education/ social standing for finding happiness.

In family:  Duties of husband and wife are defined and are separated. (Though I know, this is changing, especially in Covid times). Children should study hard and become academically successful. Family traditions should be held high. Girls should go in particular professions. (Of late we are finding girls venturing into professions like drivers, pilots, defence service officers, which are traditionally seen, as professions suitable for Males only)

Money: Money is hard to come by. You should work hard to get money. Or I am indifferent to money. The lucky ones get money. Money attracts money.

 These are just a representative, of a whole lot of mental models, that are in operation. Sometimes, we are aware of the models, we are using, but most of the times, we are not aware. And our behaviour and interaction with the world is driven by these mental models.  Prof. Srikumar Rao says for achieving personal mastery, awareness of the models, we are using, is the most important thing.

 So, what you think? What are some of the dominant mental models you use for navigating this life? Do you think they are useful or obstructing your progress?

Pl see the picture below. What you see?

You can leave a comment.