Mental Chatter - Awareness

 Father Anthony De Mello in his book “Awareness” tells a story.

“ Last year on Spanish television I heard a story about this gentleman who knocks on his son’s door. “Jaime,” he says, “wake up!” Jaime answers, “I don’t want to get up, Papa.” The father shouts, “Get up, you have to go to school.” Jaime says, “I don’t want to go to school.” “Why not?” asks the father. “Three reasons,” says Jaime. “First, because it’s so dull; second, the kids tease me; and third, I hate school.” And the father says, “Well, I am going to give you three reasons why you must go to school. First, because it is your duty; second, because you are forty-five years old, and third, because you are the headmaster.”

When you don’t wake up (become aware) and understand your mental models probably we reason like Jamie in the story about events/ happenings around us. I understand the example above is an extreme case.  Yes, we are not Jamie but we are similar to Jamie.    Hence becoming aware of mental models is most important step to live a conscious life. Journaling as mentioned earlier was the first step to become aware.  

As we have seen in the last post, mental chatter that we have, is the foundation of most of our mental models. This chatter cannot be stopped, cannot be killed, cannot be side-lined. Only way is to become aware of the chatter. Again, journaling as suggested earlier comes to our help for noting down the mental chatter.   

 You can deepen your awareness by many practices. The simple practice, which I follow is to meditate. Sit straight but comfortably. Close your eyes and bring your attention gently to your breath.  Watch, how your breathe goes in and out. You can use a soothing mediation music in low volume to aid this. Only condition that is to be kept in mind, is your breathing should not be altered, it should be easy and natural and if your attention gets distracted, which will happen many times gently bring back the same, to your breathe. (The most simple but profound guide to meditation can be found in Andy Puddicombe’s book- The headspace guide to mindfulness and meditation- This explains the step-by-step process of meditation) Will you get results if you do this? See we are programmed so, to get a result for anything we do, that this expectation itself hampers the process. My sincere advice will be, to meditate, don’t expect. You will see for yourself the change in you.

What is   self -awareness? It is noticing everything happening in you and around you without judging. Notice what is the ambience around you, how do you feel, how your clothes fit on you, what thoughts are roaming in your head, what emotions are you feeling. What sensations are there in body, what are you perceiving through your senses.

Mindfulness is a practice that also can help a person deepen his self-awareness. I can suggest few practices, which if done diligently will help a person to become more aware.

We use mobile phone extensively. Rather it has become an extension of our body. Next time when you get a call, before you answer the call, take 3 deep breathes and then answer the call. You will see qualitative difference in the response. Or you are on Whatsapp and forwarding a message or commenting something. Before you actually hit the send button, take few deep breathes and see the action you are about to take. You will find that you will respond rather than react and will reduce unnecessary forwards giving you a calm space of mind.

How do you drink water? Have you tasted the coolness, the feel of it when it enters your mouth? What it feels like, when the edge of the glass touches your lips while drinking water. So, try to feel all this when you drink water. This mindfulness exercise can be extended while eating food also. Eat your food slowly, take small bites, feel the taste in your mouth, savor the flavor of food and if possible, do all this silently.

All this will help you to become aware of yourself. And this awareness will help you lead to path of conscious living.

“Until you make the unconscious, conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” Carl Jung 

Mental Chatter

 

I got up late again. Now I have to rush through my shower and breakfast. I am finishing my breakfast really quick. Why can’t I get up when the alarm goes off. Just five minutes makes it half an hour or more. I must be more disciplined…

Oh! the traffic seems to be moving at a slow pace today. How will I reach office in time? The car ahead is moving at a snail’s pace. What has happened? Can’t he understand this is rush hour and drive fast?...

At last reached office though fifteen minutes late. The boss will get a chance to taunt me on my late coming. How mean?...

Sir, Boss has called you. My assistant tells me. Is it because I am late? Or whether he wants the revenue data. I already have provided this to him. He has the habit of forgetting conveniently data given to him. Is it regarding debtor management? Or is it that he wishes to talk to one of our bigger customers for his outstanding dues? ….

The lunch packed by wife is really tasty. I must tell her that. But it is not so always. Why can’t she make it like today, every day?...

At home: Son tells me that his teacher has called both of us to meet her in the classroom. Oh! What has he done now? He is good kid but sometimes goes crazy. I think these are his child hood pranks. He doesn’t want to hurt anybody. Or whether he is not progressing in his studies. What could be the reason the teacher has called both of us…

Are you familiar with this? A mental chatter that continues in your head nonstop. From you are up in the morning till you go to sleep, this companion is with you. This chatter is sometimes loud, sometimes whispering in your ear. But all the while it stays with you in all your waking life. This voice unfavourably compares you with your smart colleague, comments on your physical appearance, feels jealous for someone in your network, constantly nags you.

Have you noticed; you have constant thoughts popping in your head throughout your waking day? These thoughts come from your conditioning, from your interaction with people around you, from the advertising you see on various platforms. Sometimes you worry about a thing or an event that is going to take place, sometimes you feel elated about an upcoming vacation, sometimes you feel angry, frustrated, many a times you worry about what will happen if you lose your job, your spouse, your home. If you notice this carefully there is a pattern to your thoughts.  Most of the thoughts are of the nature where either you judge yourself, or judge people around you because of their appearance or behaviour, or judge events happening around you as to how these events affect you. Of course, there are some neutral thoughts like when you note the activities to be done in a day.

This chatter mostly consists of voice of judgment (VOJ as defined by Prof. Michael Ray of Stanford university, also known as the Judge a major saboteur as defined by Shirzad Chamine  in his book Positive intelligence) This voice judges you, pulls you down in so many ways. Sometimes it acts like a sledgehammer other it time behaves like jewellers’ mallet. This constant stream of thoughts/judgments give rise to your mental models.

 When you take individual thoughts arising in your mind, they are insignificant and evanescent but taken together they form a reality. Prof. Rao in his book “Are you Ready Succeed? Unconventional strategies for Achieving personal mastery in business and life” gives a beautiful example for this. A tiny polyp when dies leaves its skeleton in the sea. When millions of such polyps die together, they form a coral reef which becomes so strong as to rip the bottom of a strong ship. Our thoughts are like that. These small tiny thoughts taken together from a wall in your mind or form a mental model through which you see the world.

 We have unconsciously created our mental models through our chatter. It can also be seen that this chatter try we may, very hard, does not go away. We cannot kill it. What we can do, is we can observe it.

For this Prof. Rao suggests an exercise. In this exercise he tells us that one should keep a journal/notebook and note down the mental chatter happening. One can set a reminder every two hours or so to check up what is the mental chatter at that time and write it down in the journal. While doing this one must observe the emotional undertone accompanying the chatter. Also note if there are any patterns to this chatter. Whether in the morning thoughts which come are repetitive or one of a kind. What thoughts are triggered at what time. Is one going into escapist dreams or mulling over past events? Is one worrying about some events that are yet to take place, is there low level of anxiety at the back of mind? Is one feeling tired/exhausted? Is one feeling joyous or happy for no apparent reason? Are there any events that trigger certain thoughts or emotions?

 This exercise looks simple, but a difficult one to follow. Many a times, you will feel that you have been lost in the mental chatter and forgot to note down it. One thing to remember here is the noting should be non -judgmental. Just record what is coming to mind. Prof. Rao tells us that this exercise should be done at least for fifteen days continuously. It will reveal to us what beliefs, values we hold and how we look at the world.

“Most people don’t realize that the mind constantly chatters. And yet, that chatter winds up being the force that drives us much of the day in terms of what we react to, and how we feel.” Jon Kabat-Zinn

Mental Models- Alternate Reality

 

See the excerpt below from a journal of a young Indian man

Family: My father was an upright Govt officer- a low level bureaucrat. He used to work diligently in the office and used to resent people who eschew work under one pretext or other. He was well read and well-informed person. But he never appreciated me. He always used to criticize me. Whatever may be my achievement I used to get a feeling that he was not satisfied. If I got A in a subject, he will ask why not A+. He always used to say “Not failure but low aim is crime”. There was no encouragement and appreciation from him. My mother was a working woman. She was very disciplined, organized and a courageous lady. She inculcated a habit of organization and discipline in me. Probably because of work and home responsibilities she became slightly harsh and strict. Many a times I craved for that motherly warmth. …

Work: I passed Engineering degree from a decent school with flying colors. I was lucky to get placement in a prestigious company. My present boss interviewed me then and selected me. I was elated to join the organization. But after couple of years in the place I realized that this is a very competitive place. Many of my colleagues, superiors are from prestigious engineering schools such as IIT. My boss also passed out from one of the IITs. Whenever I present some new ideas, I find they are not much discussed. I also realized that couple of my ideas were sold to upper management by my boss as his. He is with all his blue-eyed boys from IITs. He takes interest in the projects given to them, discusses those projects and guides them. He helps them. I know I am technically a sound person, I can work independently, as well as in a team. But then I don’t get the recognition I deserve. Is it because I am from a vernacular background school? Is it because my English is not as polished as those boys, or am I poor in presentations? I don’t know. I wonder how come my boss selected me in the campus interview. What did he see in me?  …

Love: I was in an engineering school and a branch of engineering where there was no interaction with students of fair gender. I was lucky enough that I got married. It was an arranged marriage. My wife is also an engineer four years junior to me. She is slim and tall with an oval face and wheatish complexion. The spectacles on her face make her look pretty and intelligent. She studied in an English medium school. She is competent and technically sound. She is a lecturer in an Engineering school. She has finished her masters and would like to complete Doctorate. She would like to become a professor and would like to do research. She is intelligent that I can discuss lot of things with her. I am lucky that I don’t get bored in her company. She speaks fluent English and way better than me in presentations and putting forth her view point. She would like to have a stint in US University. Sometimes secretly I feel she is far better than me. What she has seen in me. If she completes her Ph.D. and goes to America what will happen to me? I secretly feel she should remain here and take care of my family but I do not have courage to say this openly. How this is going to unfold? …

Self: I am sincere, intelligent hard-working person. I would like to deal fairly with people and I expect people should also deal fairly with me. I am punctual, disciplined and organised. I am somewhat reserved and prefer company of books to that of people. Occasionally I would like to enjoy a drink with my close friends. I feel unhappy about the injustice happening around. But I do not have time (or shall I say courage) to fight it out. I prefer conciliation than confrontation. I am aware that to progress in a corporate setup I would have to polish my language and presentation skills. I will have to become more people oriented. I hate hypocrites. ……

Money: You can earn money if you ‘work’ diligently and smartly. I am reading books on stock market investment and I am sure I can use that knowledge to increase my wealth. I am a frugal person and lucky that my wife shares some of my interests here, though she is not frugal. I believe in long term planning for money. Postponing gratification for better future is my motto……

God: I don’t know whether I believe in God. I know there is some power, energy which runs this universe. But I feel that power is indifferent to me. I am brought up in a religious household but curiously nobody has forced those ideas on me. I have been given freedom to follow my way. I read a lot about spirituality, meditation but yet to come to a firm conclusion. Most of the times these ideas are shadowed by the day-to-day struggles and challenges of living……

What we can see from above, is that a person uses many models while dealing with various facets of life. In the words of Prof. Srikumar Rao “Your life is jumble of mental models. You use them for EVERYTHING.

You have one model that tells you who to fall in love with, another that evaluates how you are doing in your job, a third that lets you know if your child is growing well, a fourth that spurs you into getting a divorce, a fifth that picks your friends and so on and so forth. You have constructed dozens of these structures over the years and collectively they rule your life. “ 

How true! Just pause and think over this. These models collectively construct your reality. And you name it as” your reality”. The exercise mentioned in the previous post of journaling helps you to understand your dominant mental models. In the excerpt given above, you feel a common thread running in the young mans’ narration. And it is that, he is always comparing himself, with others and seeking some external validation for himself. But that may not be obvious to him when he is living his life. So, what is the way out? Can a person change his mental models for the better?

Prof. Srikumar Rao here introduces a revolutionary idea. He says “The idea that can cause turmoil is the seemingly innocuous one that all persons perceive the world differently…..In the overwhelming majority of cases where we actively use the idea that persons have different perceptions , we are looking outward. We are examining somebody else.”

Yes, we are aware of this that persons have different perceptions. We try to understand the other party in negotiations, while dealing with our significant other, while dealing with friends, while dealing with class teacher of our child and so on. But it never occurs to us that if other persons can have different perceptions (mental models), can we adopt different mental models than we presently hold.

Again in the words of Prof. Srikumar Rao: “ It is when that we look inside that we place the detonator in the plastique. We start to see that if others can have different world views, then we ourselves, can change ours. …It tells that “ the world we live in is the one we constructed it out of bits and pieces. We made it out of our mental models and then lived by their dictates. And having done all this, we proceeded to carry on living with our lives without ever realizing that our mental models were made up merely of perceptions and not facts.”

Further Prof Rao goes on to suggest to perform a thought experiment called Alternate reality. What he advises is go back to mental model exercise and pick any one situation that is troubling you right now. Pick up that situation and the reality you feel you are facing. Examine that through many dimensions and create an alternate reality for the situation. “ It is important that You , personally be able to accept the alternate reality as you devise.”

For example, in the excerpt above, the young man can take alternate reality for his father’s behavior. His father was not praising him so that he becomes tough and can face the external world in an effective way. It was his way of showing affection to him. If the young man accepts this alternate reality and start thinking about the events, he may find solace, may feel grateful towards his father.

Or take another situation at work. He may be really good in his work that his boss never calls him for giving directions which he is doing for his other colleagues. The young man may accept this alternate reality and start acting accordingly which will help him to boost his confidence and self-esteem.

Or take another situation. You along with your family have shifted to a new apartment complex. There are two neighbors on your floor. One neighbor is a gentle lady who is open and willing to help you in the new place. She talks to you and your family members and genuinely connects with you. You have another neighbor who you find distant. The neighbor only smiles, does not respond to your hellos, or your overtures to connect with him. His wife also seems to be distant and reserved. With this you feel, that second neighbor to be reserved and may be cold or snobbish. You have made this impression, with whatever interaction you had with this neighbor. In the alternate reality exercise – you can think that this neighbor is also good, he would like to connect with you and your family but something is holding him back. He may be facing some other important challenge, that he is not able to connect with you, the way you want. Create this impression in mind and remain with it and see what happens.

 The rules here in this exercise are, create an alternate reality for the situation which seems plausible and you can accept that. Once you create that reality, try to find out evidence and write it down in journal that this alternate reality is working. Don’t pick most horrendous thing that is bothering you now. It is similar to jogging or weight lifting. You don’t start jogging 20 km on first day or lift a weight of 100kg on first day. You gradually increase the distance while jogging and same with weight. Here in this thought experiment also pick up a situation which is not that complex and try this exercise and see what happens.

“ I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become” Carl Jung.

How to be aware of Mental Models?

 

Recently I received a WhatsApp forward. It was about Coffee bin jar, in a perfume shop. It was like this.

Unlearning is important.

Jar of coffee bean in the perfume store. Why is it used? Is there something we can learn? A handful of coffee bean is so important to sell an expensive bottle of perfume.

How?

When you try perfumes, after 4th or 5th, you are unable to distinguish between fragrance. Bring in the jar & you smell the coffee bean & you undergo a process of unlearning, due to its strong fragrance, your brain now only remembers coffee. You can now start testing perfumes again. All happens within in a minute.

What's the catch?

We have an amazing power to unlearn & move on to new things, we got it as a process of evolution, with time we have forgotten how to "let it go", this is called unlearning. Creativity & productivity gets enhanced when you learn to let things go.

 

For smelling different perfumes, we need a break of Coffee bin jar so that we can unlearn the earlier perfume smells. Unlearning is a conscious process. When we are interacting with the world, with our mental models, we actually need a “coffee bin Jar”, to unlearn these models so as to “smell new fragrances” the world is offering?  For this to happen we should be aware of our mental models. Otherwise, what we see and what is out there, is completely different and our responses go awry. I remember a story somewhere I read. A master is telling his students about importance of unlearning. He says, when looking at Full Moon, a lover sees the face of his beloved, while a hungry beggar sees a bread.

 

 I come from Lower middle-class background, so frugality with money was a virtue for us. All the things that are purchased should be used optimally. A toothpaste, we used to squeeze till its last drop. Now I am in a position that I should not be so frugal. I can afford to purchase toothpastes as and when required. But this frugality is so deep rooted that if the toothpaste is not used completely and thrown away, I feel hurt about it. Why I am feeling this hurt? This is the conditioning or the mental model which I am holding. I am not saying that you should waste resources, absolutely not. But this mental model is clearly giving me feeling of sadness, at least in respect of toothpaste. So I have to be aware and be conscious of the fact, that now, if I am not using the toothpaste, till its last drop , it is ok and should not feel bad about it.

In the last blog post I posted a picture at the end. What did you see?

 In “Seven habits of highly effective people” Steven Covey narrates the  following story.

 This picture was distributed to two groups of employees of a company separately. They were asked to see the picture and describe it to the other group without showing the picture given to them. One group saw a young girl in the picture and started describing her eyelid, her hat and her hair. The other group was aghast, as they saw an old woman with a big nose, scarf around her hair , who seems to be unhappy. This really led to strong disagreement between the two and no group was willing to accept the other groups’ description. What they saw, was the reality for them. But then the instructor explained them, that there are, both young girl and Old woman present in the picture. You have to look for it. Once you see clearly without clinging to your first impression of the picture you can see both. Just see the video below that will help you to see both young and old woman in the picture.

 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qQCHWBKrkew)

 This is what happens with us. We interpret the happening, the world around us and take it as the reality. And we cling to that as our reality.  This distorts our perception and the responses, to the situation we are in.  If we are able to see things/ happening around us, as “they are” we will be able to respond appropriately, which may help us to live life spontaneously and joyfully rather than getting caught into spiral of incorrect responses, reactions and ensuing unhappiness. So unlearning is essential to see the happenings, the world around us as “it is”.

How can we do that? For that to happen we should become aware of the lens (“Mental model”) we are using. How can we be aware of the mental model?

Prof. Srikumar Rao in his book suggests a way. He advises reader to keep a journal with four columns

Family, Work, Love, Self

He says” Before you do this exercise, I urge you to think of yourself as a scientist. The laboratory and the object of study are both yourself. Do this practice as objectively as you can. “

He further advises that one should write continuously for 10 minutes what comes to mind for each of these columns. This writing should be such that nothing that comes to mind should be  edited or censored by the thinking mind. This process itself makes one aware of his dominant mental models.

Under family – “My father never praised me” comes to your mind first then you should continue writing along the line and see what comes out.

 I would like to add two more columns to this.

Money, God/ Universe/Supreme power

Write freely what comes to your mind under these also.

This is an exercise in self-aware ness. The writing and reflecting on the writing will let you understand mental models you are using. Once you are aware of the models that you use , you can modify , replace the models that are not working for you.

This journal along with a coaching conversation with a coach will make you understand yourself on a deeper level. Once you start the journey of understanding yourself, you can start on the journey of self-awareness and then ultimately start a journey of personal mastery.

“Awareness is all about restoring your freedom to choose what you want instead of what your past imposes on you.” Deepak Chopra

 

What are Mental Models?

    

      

It was a summer morning in Ahmadabad. I had started my morning walk. The atmosphere was pretty warm, even in the early hours of the morning. To avoid direct sun, I had a chosen a road, which is covered with trees and some tall buildings, so their shade makes my walk pleasant. Ahmadabad is peculiar, as far as stray dogs are concerned. I have stayed in many cities of India but the population of stray dogs, in Ahmadabad is very large, as compared to other cities. And the culture here, is of not harming the animals.  I see couple of  ladies feeding the dogs on the road in the morning. Ahmadabad Municipal Corporation does not cull the stray dogs but just sterilizes them. So, on every corner of road there are 3 -4 dogs. Some dogs have propensity, to climb on the hood of the car, parked on the side of the road. Though they are harm less, you have to be alert to their presence, to avoid any untoward incidence. I was walking on the road and on the footpath at some distance away, I saw a brown dog, a big one. I became alert and continued walking. When I reached near it, I felt suddenly relieved. It was not a dog but a trunk of a tree cut and kept on the footpath. That brown trunk, looked like dog to me from a distance. How your mind plays tricks on you! I was alert to stray dogs on the road, so I saw a dog in the tree trunk. I smiled at myself.

How many times, we see a dog, an elephant, a face, in the clouds above, though there is none. Are our senses, tricking us? Or, are our thoughts creating images? We are programmed, to look at the world around us in a certain fashion. This programming through which we see the world is known as our world view or our mental model.  

 

 Prof. Srikumar Rao in his book “ Are you ready to succeed: Unconventional strategies for achieving personal mastery in Business and life”  says- “A mental model is the notion, we have, about how the world works or how things are done or ought to be done.” It is an inner representation, through which we provide meanings, to the events happening in and around us. We use mental models, to explain ourselves why things happen, to console ourselves, to satisfy ourselves and to tell us, what we should do, in a particular situation. Through mental models, we evaluate events, happening to us and around us and try to find meaning, security, sustenance and happiness from the events.

 Most of the times, we are not aware, that we are using mental models. The classic case, is the example, I have given you above, about seeing a dog, in the trunk of the tree lying on the footpath.  These mental models, are formed because of the conditioning, we have gone through in life due to our family, our upbringing, education, society, culture, work place, our experiences, advertisements and so on.  It is not that, mental models per say, are good or bad. If we want to change ourselves for the better, be happy, perform at peak in our chosen profession, we should be able to understand, what models we are using and discard the ones, which are not supporting our growth.

Prof. Srikumar Rao says that - “The first block to personal mastery – and one of the biggest- is our unquestioned mental models. These are our fixed ideas of how the world works and how things should or shouldn’t be done. --- We have different models for different situations- for work, for love, for our families. We have dozens of them that we use and some of them may actually be in direct conflict with others and we may not even know it. In fact, much of the stress in our lives arises from this lack of awareness.”

Some of the mental models which we can see around (In India at least) are-  

For a young student   – If I study hard, get a good education, preferably from premier institute of India, then I will get good job and then I can be happy.

About work place- In my work place, the atmosphere is very competitive. Everybody wants, to win at any cost. People with connections and influence, get promoted faster, there is no place for merit.

 A common mental model about Govt.- All govt officers are corrupt. Govt institutions does not work.

On family - one should marry with in class, caste, religion, education/ social standing for finding happiness.

In family:  Duties of husband and wife are defined and are separated. (Though I know, this is changing, especially in Covid times). Children should study hard and become academically successful. Family traditions should be held high. Girls should go in particular professions. (Of late we are finding girls venturing into professions like drivers, pilots, defence service officers, which are traditionally seen, as professions suitable for Males only)

Money: Money is hard to come by. You should work hard to get money. Or I am indifferent to money. The lucky ones get money. Money attracts money.

 These are just a representative, of a whole lot of mental models, that are in operation. Sometimes, we are aware of the models, we are using, but most of the times, we are not aware. And our behaviour and interaction with the world is driven by these mental models.  Prof. Srikumar Rao says for achieving personal mastery, awareness of the models, we are using, is the most important thing.

 So, what you think? What are some of the dominant mental models you use for navigating this life? Do you think they are useful or obstructing your progress?

Pl see the picture below. What you see?

You can leave a comment. 

 

Improv and Crayons

         

In a recent Peer Coaching conversation with a senior executive of a Company I realized that my questions were in a way, driving him to reach his objective. Of course, this was post session realization. Being a seasoned coach himself he said your questions were good and focused and made him  think about how to reach his goal.  He also added that I demonstrated almost all Coaching competencies in a structured manner. But somehow, I sensed, something else, in the comment. Were my questions too structured and focused on the goal? Was I inhibiting the client to unpack more?

 

 International Coaching Federation (ICF) defines coaching as “partnering with clients in thought- provoking and creative process that inspires them to maximize their personal and professional potential”.  In this case I was doing the same. I also got similar  feedback from others, that you are very focussed in the discussion. Is it good or bad, I don’t know? Probably my educational training as an Engineer subtly drives me to a structured way of coaching conversation in which client goal is paramount. Maybe I have an unconscious pressure that client goal for the session should be achieved, otherwise the conversation is futile. Every activity should be outcome oriented. Is it not?

 

This reflection suddenly reminded me of few prescriptions, by Chad Hall MCC: Follow the first rule of Improv and Think like a kid with Crayon.

 

Improv is a comedy in which the plot, characters and dialog are made up on the spot. There is no written script, everything happens in the moment. A beautiful demo of improv can be seen here (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v7sZelG8fY0 ). It is like going with flow in the conversation. This  is a comedy where presence of mind and non-interpretation of what the other person has said, has paramount importance. The comedy unfolds instantaneously.

 

In coaching, the coach has to follow this. He should flow along with the  client without interpreting what the  client is saying. Respond to the  client what he has just said. Go along with his thought process.  I realized that, I have to step back and un condition myself, from my organised way of thinking, so that I can follow this advice.

 

In our daily conversations have we noticed, how many times we have a desire to reach the outcome fast. In our fast-paced world we want everything to happen fast.  A person has come to ask you something, and you do not allow him/her to express him/her completely. You do not follow the conversation thread. You have some ideas about how this should go. These ideas are dictated by the role you play- that of a father/ mother, sister, colleague, boss, subordinate and the role, the other person is playing.  Also, many a times we do this because we are busy, or we are not there in the conversation. How wonderful it would be if we follow that rule of improv.  I think this will give a feeling of being listened and being present in the conversation to the other person. I believe then that such conversations we have with people will be more enriching, and will lead to stronger connections.

 

The other prescription: think like a kid with crayon. This took me back to my daughters’ younger days. When we admitted her to pre school- We were informed that your child may paint on a wall of your house with crayons. Please let her do that and do not restrict her. At school also, they  have  kept a wall in the class room, where children can paint with crayons. I remembered, how my daughter used to scribble with crayon on the wall of our tiny flat. She made the wall, look like a giant abstract painting. What was important, was the way she enjoyed drawing on the wall. That smiling glint in her eyes, made us understand, that she was thoroughly enjoying the activity.

 

In the coaching conversation the client has decided to reach a certain  goal. Mostly his internal state of mind, his beliefs about himself are the roadblocks, to achieve that goal. The coach is partnering with him, to understand what is that, that is blocking him. When coach along with the client, starts thinking like a kid with crayon, it allows the client to vividly paint a picture of goal, he wants to achieve. It also gives scope for his imagination, as to what impact it will have on his life, when he achieves that goal. This is kind of a dreaming process, albeit an open one and shared with the coach. This process, I feel gives a joy to the client of imagining his future state and not only that, allows him to discover his strengths and limiting beliefs. It is a process of discovery, for the client. Someone has said, that human being is the story, he is telling himself. This kind of story telling, will definitely help the client to transform himself. It will help him to energise and get inspired  to achieve his goal.

 

We dream, when we are kids. As we grow up, the conditioning we go through, starts putting limitations on our dreams. We start forming beliefs about our abilities, and what we can achieve and what we cannot. Of course, a person who has never climbed a hill ,cannot immediately conquer Mt. Everest. But if he dreams and is willing to do the necessary hard work, he can definitely climb Mt. Everest. What is important, is the capacity to dream and to act on that dream. In this world where success is defined by external factors and consumerism is reigning supreme, we are trying ourselves to conform to those norms, and our dreams are deeply influenced by these norms.   Probably I am again becoming too philosophical here.  But I must remind myself, that next time in a conversation be it coaching or otherwise, I will try and help the speaker to think like a kid with crayon.

 

Many of our day-to-day conversations become dull and boring. We just chitchat, ask about weather or any other topic of current affairs /interest  and then the steam fizzles out. The conversations that ensue, are just transactional and not deep and invigorating.  I read somewhere, that we can intersperse the conversation, with following question after the normal chitchat to make it more interesting.

 

“What is that you felt joyous about in last week (yesterday, last fortnight, last month). Pl tell me”

I am sure, this simple trick will lead you to invigorating conversations. And these conversations will help you,  to strengthen the bond with the person you are conversing.

 

Recently my wife and I had  gone to a jewellery shop in Ahmadabad. The shop was recommended by a friend, as it has some really brilliant designs of jewellery. After seeing some samples of bangles, necklaces, we just happened to ask – What is rate of 22 Ct gold in the shop. The sales guy told us the rate. My inquisitive persona did not sit quiet and I checked up the rate of Gold at Ahmadabad on Google. Meanwhile the owner of shop came to us and was enquiring about what we have finalized. In the ensuing conversation, I remarked “ It seems that the Gold rate of your shop is less than the published rate of Gold for Ahmadabad “.  Behold, the owner picked up  blank sheet  of paper and pen and explained how the gold rate is arrived at. He explained, what is rate on Commodities exchange, what is the rate in International market, what is the tax structure on gold imported. How the rate is derived in India , why there is a difference in the rate on Commodities exchange and imported gold. I got lot of information about gold rate. I felt glad that I was enriched by the knowledge I got in the shop than the routine experience of gold purchase with my wife.

 

We came back home and I was reflecting on the incidence – how my remark, has started a long conversation, in an otherwise transactional business. I felt good, that I have improved my conversational skills- probably due to my coach training. I felt good, that I am slowly but steadily plodding along, my coaching journey because, I was able to extract lot of information, with a simple remark. Pat on my back.

 

After some time, I thought;  was my comment neutral?  Did it contain something else?  Was the feeling, that how come the rate at this shop, is less than the published rate, has created a doubt in my mind, about the purity of gold in the shop?   Oh, now I was in shaky waters. I realized, that the comment was not so innocuous one, as I had thought earlier and patted myself about improvement in my coaching skills.   I also ,realized that the response from the owner, was  something more. Probably, he has sensed my doubt about purity of gold – and hence, he took efforts, to explain to me ,how the gold rate is arrived. Now the light dawned upon me.

 

In any conversation, we would like to prove something to other. Either, we want to prove that We are better than the other, know more than the other, smarter than the other or have something to achieve from the other. The conditioning, a human being goes through, because of education, society , upbringing, makes him/ her to prove him/herself. That gets reflected, in every activity, a human being undertakes. Probably, it may not be obvious to the person concerned , may be it is an innate subconscious process. Self interest in whatever form, reigns supreme.    The same was true in my conversation, though earlier I felt differently.

 

Chad Hall MCC says during a coaching conversation – “Embrace the primitive”. How true!  Primitive as I understand, is as not knowing. Asking a question, after interpreting the thoughts, shared by the client, through your own conditioned and knowledgeable mind is a complete No No.  Coaches are aware, that powerful questioning is an essential competency, required for having an effective coaching conversation. Then, what is the meaning of “Embrace the primitive “?

As I understand this-  it is asking questions without any assumptions, without knowledge interfering with the listening process. How come you can understand a conversation, without interpreting? To understand, you must know the language a client/ person is speaking. Otherwise, all spoken words are nothing but noise. But then we have an innate tendency, to ascribe more meaning to a word, phrase, than may be necessary. We sometimes project emotions, that we feel, the other person is going through. Other day in a coaching session, the client said that, he is not able to practice his hobby. He was aware of the benefits, the hobby was providing, but still did not have clue, as to why he was not able to practice it. The client being a busy executive, my mind raced and interpreted it, as question of prioritizing his activities. So, the questions then followed, were not primitive but has sprung out of my interpretation. Though the session, was successful, this realization kept me thinking, as to how I can ask questions, which are simple rather, I will say basic.  

 

Just listening, not knowing and embrace the primitive are all interrelated. The key to ask simple questions, is to just listen from state of not knowing and ask questions. So, practice listening with not knowing. May be silence is the best primitive question in a conversation.

 

How to practice Listening, with not knowing. I am sharing some of the things, which are helping me, on my journey, to become a good listener. Hope this may help you.

 

When you are in nature, try to listen to the silence between the sounds. For example, you are at a sea beach, then try to listen to the silence between roaring of waves. Or in the morning, the silence between the chirping of birds. This can also be done, when talking to someone. Try to listen, to the gaps between the words spoken.

 

The second practice which can make you more present in listening is a practice suggested by many masters of different religions. The practice is -when you are conversing with someone -imagine that, this is your last conversation with the person, you are not going to have next conversation because the person may not be alive tomorrow.  Some may feel awkward about, how to imagine that a person may not be there tomorrow. The realization that, this may be the last conversation, with the person you are speaking, makes you more present and in the moment. Probably, you also drop your judgements, leave out past impressions of the person and also, your past experiences with this person. What you will be able to do, is pure listening. I am sure, this practice will have a profound impact, on the way you listen.