Expectations

Today morning I got up early, so that I can capture sun rise from a hill nearby, with my new camera lens. The sunrise was at 5:58 am local time.  I got up at 5:15, and rushed with my camera to the hill. But alas, by the time I reached there, it was late. Sun has risen and its rays has filled the atmosphere. I was slightly disappointed. I started walking on the hill. Being harsh summer (in a tropical country), the trees didn’t bear any leaves, only their skeletons were visible. Through these trees, I captured Sun.( See the photo above) I took few snaps as I was walking by. But somehow, I felt unhappy. I was not getting the snap I was looking for. Sun was bright and shining fiercely in the sky. The color of the sky was bright white. I remembered my trip to this same hill, last year in winter. I was able to capture, beautiful Sun rise with morning colors of sky. This was completely absent today. What has changed? Was I too late to reach the hill? I realized that, this is summer and the sky was clear, without any traces of clouds. That was winter and obviously the air was far cooler then, which might have given rise to various colors. I was disappointed at the snaps I have taken.

Why So? I had expectations about the sunrise, the colors in the sky and the landscape. I was probably trying to get that wow feeling after taking the snap. Are expectations bad? Why was I having expectations? Did I want to exhibit the snaps and get praise for that from my friends/ people around me. Many questions surfaced in my mind.

Having expectations, is good or bad, is a highly debatable issue. But one thing was sure that expectations were driving me to look at the nature around me in a particular way. I had lost the freshness of the eyes. To see beauty, you require fresh eyes. That was missing and was making me sad in the marvelous nature.

I decided to abandon my search for a breath-taking view and just take stroll in the peaceful nature. The birds were chirping, there was an indescribable silence in the atmosphere. That really soothed me. I strolled and captured some snaps without bothering whether they are good or not. Now when I was focusing from the view finder, I was lost to the outside world and completely engrossed in the process of taking picture. Ah! That was heavenly.

“Human beings react not to reality, but to ideas in their heads.” Father Anthony DeMello in the Heart of the Enlightened.

How true? I realized the meaning of the sentence above.  It was clear to me that I was looking at the nature, especially Sunrise, from a particular point of view, of taking a photograph. Do you also face this? Do you react to reality from the ideas that are in your head- may be consciously or unconsciously? Be it people, relationships, nature, - whatever you see/ face, do you react to it from the preconceived notions? Are those conditioned responses? Then how to see with fresh eyes?

 We have notions of beauty. These vary from person to person, nation to nation and culture to culture. We get attracted to beautiful things and try to avoid ugly things. Is it not? But in nature nothing is beautiful and nothing is ugly. Everything in nature makes it whole. But we compartmentalize things into beautiful and ugly. We do not see facts. We interpret them as per our conditioning. I was looking at the barren trees and finding them not beautiful.( Snap taken is at the top.)

They were looking grey and I did not find them  enchanting. Was this not a conditioned reaction? What is the antidote for all this?. What can we do to have fresh eyes? How can we see things as they are?

What immediately comes to my mind is a mindfulness practice. This one is from “How to train a wild elephant and other adventures in mindfulness” by Jan Chozen Bays. The exercise suggested is as follows

As often as you can, shift your awareness from objects to the space around the objects. For example, when you look in the mirror, notice the space around the image of your head. In a room, notice the empty space rather than the furniture, people, or other visual objects.

Author says” this task can be a potent tool of awareness if people consistently practice with it.”

What other hacks are there to become more mindful or to see with fresh eyes – that you practice? Do let me know.

As I was leaving the hill, I saw this abandoned structure on the hill with colorful graffiti on it. I liked the splash of colors and snapped a picture. I felt happy and enthusiastic. My disappointment vanished and I left the hill in a good mood.  

 

Nothingness

 

I am an avid reader. I like to read a lot. Presently I am reading books on Neuroscience, Spirituality, Self awareness. I am also fond of looking for the book recommendations done by distinguished personalities in various fields. My kindle is stocked with so many unread books. My amazon wish list of books is pretty long. But every time I finish a book, my thirst for knowledge is not satiated but it increases. What am I missing? What the yet unpurchased book (which is in my wish list) will offer me? I want to be better. Better than any one else. I would like to improve myself. I feel incomplete. And I think I try to find that complete ness through books. At the back of mind there is this constant desire that the next book I am going to read will make me complete. But that never happens.

Where is this feeling of incompleteness coming from? Is it acquired by me through my conditioning which has happened consciously/ unconsciously while passing through life or am I born with it?  I see people around me who are driven to achieve material success. They bask in the glory of material achievements, be it bigger cars, nicer homes, exotic holidays, rare spirits or wines. Nothing wrong in that.  They are focused on one thing after the other.

In my case I find that happens for me in respect of books. I am really greedy about books. Put me in a bookshop and I behave like a child in the toy shop. I enjoy them, browsing,  reading. To get transformed. To become a person who is calm and happy and contented.  Is there an end to this? Even after reading so many books my need for books and for that one particular book which will complete me is still there. Do any of you feel this way in respect of books? Am I overdoing it? Number of questions arise in my mind.

I read somewhere that inside our core there is nothing. This nothingness creates an urge to fill it. Be it material things, knowledge, spiritual things, or even charitable works or volunteering for social causes. Is it good or bad, I don’t know. What you do to face this nothingness? This feeling of emptiness inside. Generally, you keep yourself busy, engaged in various activities, so that you don’t face it. What are the ways to deal with this?  

I remember a story which I have read sometimes back.

Once upon a time there was a beggar with a begging bowl. He was not getting any alms to feed himself. He went to the palace of king and requested the king for some alms. The king asked his servants to fill the bowl with the grains from the store. The servants filled the bowl first with rice, then with wheat and then with other grains, still the bowl could not be filled. The king was astonished to see this. But being a king, he ordered his servants to fill the bowl with precious stones, gold and other wealth he was having. To his surprise his servants told him that the royal treasury is now emptied but the bowl is still not full. A wise man  in the king’s court was seeing this drama. He called the beggar and asked him whether he can see the begging bowl. The beggar handed over it to him. The sage then asked the beggar – what is the material, the bowl is made up of. The beggar replied” I fashioned it from human skull that I found in the crematorium”. At this point the sage realized what was happening. Human greed is such that nothing can fill it.

So, what is the antidote to it? What should be done to keep this in check? Mindfulness or awareness of breath is a way to live consciously. When a person lives with awareness, he realizes that he cannot fill the void or / that nothingness inside with anything. And probably he starts on the journey of inner peace and contentment.

I think I am slowly realizing this about books. I am now consciously avoiding purchase of new books and trying to live a more conscious life. What you do to be aware or live life consciously?

“Mindfulness and awareness is the bridge between reaction and conscious choice.”  Hal Tipper

Seeing

 This was taken recently by me,  when I travelled to North East part of India. This is a snap, taken on river Bramhaputra in Assam state. Recently my wife has gifted me, a mirrorless camera. I am learning to take photographs  with this camera. Before starting the tour to North East part of India, I viewed few you tube videos, on how to use digital camera for taking pictures. One of the video, showed different settings and how to use them.  While showing the settings, the photographer in the video, was showing the display screen of the camera to demonstrate, how to achieve different settings. One thing that struck me was, there was no memory stick in the camera. 

He was taking pictures with different settings and showing them on the display for some time to explain the effect of differences between the settings. Suddenly it dawned on me that the camera is just taking pictures without storing any thing. It is not getting affected by the images previously taken as it is not storing it. J. Krishnamurty talks about seeing which is not conditioned by past , which is always fresh and present. Which does not judge the present on past accumulated knowledge. Can we do that?

Can we look at the surroundings, the experience we are going through , the sound we are hearing, without judging the same from our memories or conditioned mind. Then what you will see/ hear, will always be new, even if you are seeing it again and again. 

" The real voyage of discovery is not in seeking new places but in seeking with new eyes" Marcel Proust.

How can we have new eyes, which are not burdened by the experiences of the past , which don't interpret, what they are seeing now. In brief how can we uncodition our mind. What are hacks for that to remain in present and observe? Following paragraph from J. Krishnamurty, talks about this and may be helpful.

"That emptiness of the mind cannot be produced: the mind cannot be made empty, cannot be put together to be empty. That emptiness comes as a sunset comes of an evening, full of beauty, enchantment, and richness; that comes as naturally as the blossoming of a flower when there is no fear, when there are no escapes, when there is no boredom, and when there is no seeking. That is the most important of all – there must be no seeking. You cannot find; you cannot find the everlasting. That which is beyond time you cannot search out. It may come to you but you cannot go to it because your minds are too shallow, petty, empty, full of ambition, fears, ugliness, and distortion. Therefore, the mind must empty itself – not because it wants that, because when you want that, you have a motive, and the moment you have a motive, you have lost your energy. Therefore, it is only the mind that is completely empty that is in a state of inaction. That inaction is action. And it is only such a mind that is passionate; it is only such a mind that can live with beauty and not get used to beauty – the beauty of a tree, the beauty of a face, the beauty of an eye, of a smile, of the ugly, dirty road, the squalor, the poverty, it is only the passionate mind that can live with it and not get distorted. And it is only such a mind that is so completely empty that is in a state of meditation."

Tell me what you do, to have such empty mind or in other words remain present. Meditation of course helps as well as the  practice of mindfulness. 

I was on the deck of the river cruise, when I was taking this picture. Lot of people were around me, scrambling for taking pictures. But when I had put my eye to the view finder, I was completely focused on the scene and oblivious to the surroundings. I felt serene and contented. I was fully present there and I clicked. Probably I got the best result.

How it will be  to experience our life  like a camera without a memory stick? Some people will object to this saying that memories make life beautiful. Is it the memories or replay of the memories at this instant that we feel beautiful?

Tell me what you think? 

Intrinsic Vs Extrinsic Motivation.

When I publish my blog, I wait for the comments on it. How the writeup is seen by my readers. What are their reactions? What are the comments that are being made? What has touched readers the most?  So and so forth. So many questions arise in my mind. I am lucky to get lot of encouraging comments from readers across the globe.

Of late I started observing that I am elated to read the comments when I publish my blog. Rather I am eager to see the comments and respond to the readers. It is the communication with them that makes me happy.  Sometimes for first few days there are very few comments and I feel unhappy about it. I start feeling happy when comments start pouring in.

Are comments the only yardstick about worth of the blog? Should one judge the blog by the response or its intrinsic value? What is the intrinsic value of the blog? Am I writing for the comments that I get? Or is there anything else at play?

When I started writing my blog, the reason was to share with the world, what I have experienced and learnt. I am perfectly aware, that neither I am storehouse of knowledge nor I have experienced everything, that is to be experienced. Being introvert and self-reflecting person, I felt the need to share what I have. Slowly I am realizing, that I am looking at my blog from the perspective of reader response. Is it good or bad? I do not know.

External validation/ appreciation is built in our psyche. We grow on appreciation/ external validation. As a child when you take your first steps your parents are there to appreciate you. When you  first call out your mother or father they are elated and appreciate you. When you start going to school and start learning alphabets the kindergarten teacher appreciates you. At the same time if you do something which is not right you are reprimanded. Society conditions you in such a fashion that you look for appreciation/ external validation. You crave for that when you are in high school. You would like that the crush you have on that girl/ boy should appreciate you for your looks/ intelligence/ qualities. You are appreciated when you get excellent grades in school or college or when you perform best in sports. At every step/ milestone in, society conditions you, to seek more external validation / appreciation. When you complete college and start a job, the work place rewards you, for the job well performed, you get bonuses for excellent performance. All this is external validation of your efforts, skills / competencies. In plain terms this is referred to as external motivation. There is nothing bad in this. Only danger is that, you may become addict to external validation.

Can you do things for your intrinsic satisfaction without bothering about the external validation.? In the example, I gave above, I felt, I am giving more weightage to reader response, for my blog. I am driven by external factors.

Then what is intrinsic motivation? What you do, that does not require or you do not need external validation? How can you cultivate the intrinsic motivation? If you become dependent on external validation all the time, soon you may find yourself unhappy, doing things you may not want to do. The societal conditioning makes your ego grow? What about your soul?

I would like you, to reflect on the following, from the book “Awareness” by Father Anthony DeMello. It is instructive.

“Recall the kind of feeling you have when someone praises you, when you are approved, accepted, applauded and contrast that with the kind of feeling that arises within you when you look at the sunset or sun rise, or Nature in general or when you read a book or watch a movie that you thoroughly enjoy. Get taste of this feeling and contrast it with the first, namely, the one that was generated within you when you were praised.

Understand that the first type of feeling comes from self-glorification, self-promotion. It is a worldly feeling. The second comes from self-fulfillment, is a soul feeling. Here is another contrast: Recall the kind of feeling you have when you succeed, when you have made it, when you get to the top, when you win a game or bet or argument. And contrast it with the kind of feeling when you really enjoy the job you are doing, you are absorbed in the action you are currently engaged in. And once again notice that qualitative difference between the worldly feeling and the soul feeling.”

Reflect on this for a day, a week or a month, when you are performing various activities and find out for yourself, how many of those activities, invoke worldly feelings and how many soul feelings.

Tell me what you do for motivating yourself intrinsically. What is the way, to not to become addict to External motivation? Whether it is really possible to do so?

A Question to ponder

 

I had subscribed to the email of James Clear, author of the book Atomic Habits. In a recent mail I got a question from him to ponder. The question is

“What is something wonderful about your life that you rarely appreciate as much as you should? “

What a profound question? While showering I was munching over this in my mind. Many answers started surfacing. I am sure every person will have a different answer for this question.

Is it that, that I have luxury enough to ponder over this question? Or I have time to think over it. We take so many things for granted. And we are used to certain comforts in our urban life. What about clean running tap water? Or the air we breathe through which we inhale oxygen. May be the uninterrupted power supply that we have or a house to live in. Could it be the internet through which we connect with the world outside? Happy family or other relationships that we cherish. Is it the easy availability of food that we have or comfortable bed in which we sleep.

Many thoughts started running in my mind. The question initiated a deep self reflective process. It slowly dawned on me that there are many wonderful things which we rarely appreciate. My friend Mr. K.K.Pillai informed me that, unconditional affection showed by his grandparents, was his answer to the question. What a lovely and deep answer. My other friend Swanand told me that time and relationships, are the things which he should appreciate more. How true?

What you think, your answer is? I understand the answer may change as you grow , go through various experiences of life. But definitely the question makes you aware of what  you are missing to be grateful for or appreciative of.

 I heard a classical raga from my favorite singer Pt. Bhimsen Joshi being played on radio. It was a morning Raga. It was mesmerizing and soul stirring as I was transported to ethereal realm. Then it registered in my mind that I rarely appreciate my body. Through which I was able to listen to the divine music, see the majestic beauty of the nature, kiss soft lips of a beloved or caress the tender skin of new born baby and smell fragrance of flowers. My body is the wonderful thing, that I should appreciate more. What do you think?

This thought lingered in my mind for long. Then I realized that I should appreciate life itself. The pulsating, aliveness in my body, without which I would not have been able to enjoy the world through my five senses. Life in itself should be appreciated for. It is wonderful, a miracle. Is it not? Being alive, is a wonderful thing that we rarely appreciate. As Suzuki Roshi says” To live is enough.”

I found this lovely poem from Delores Wiltse on internet.

I feel something inside that connects with the sun
A warm glow radiating, sharing with everyone
I feel something inside that connects to the stars
An inner aliveness, electrons dancing afar
I feel something inside that connects me to flowers
An inner stillness, an inner graceful power
I feel something inside that connects to birds in flight
Freedom reigning, soaring with all their might
I feel something inside awakening when I hear birds singing
A melodious joy within is increasing
I feel something inside resonating with that tree
Presence, strength and stability
I feel something within as I look at the grass
Resonating abundance, it is so vast
I feel something within stirring when I see the water
Comfort and breathing space of inner power
I feel something within connected to the mountain top

A higher perspective, being able to see the whole lot
I feel something growing within me when I look at the sky
Calm and peace, spreading so wide
I feel something within resonating with all of nature
An aliveness and a deep connection with our creator        

(http://www.fengshe.org/collaborators/WiltesDelores/Articles/Something_Inside.html)

So, what is your answer to this question. I will be delighted to read that. Do share.

Centeredness

 

It was a cool November day. I was travelling from Pune to Ahmadabad. My flight was in the afternoon. Airlines had texted us to be there at airport 3 hours prior to departure time because of rush at the security gates. I thought it was just a way of the airline to push customers be on time. Me and my wife reached the airport 2 hours prior to departure. I realized that airlines was right. There was huge queue at the entrance itself. After entering the gate we found that the queue for baggage drop was also a big one. It took considerable time for us to reach the baggage drop point. After that we stood in the security queue. It was long serpentine line which was moving at a snails' pace. I was getting worried whether we will miss our flight. After nearly half an hour I was near the security gate. Suddenly a man and his compatriots came from no where and broke the queue and went ahead. I confronted the person telling him that all people are standing in the queue and this is not the way. Probably I was little annoyed at his behavior and it was evident on my face. To my surprise he took offence and started using foul language and what not. I remained externally calm but I was angry inside. I did not say  anything seeing the unruly behavior of the person. I cleared the security and reached my wife. She asked me what happened. I just narrated the incidence. But it took me good amount of time to calm down.

On reflection I realized that just before this incidence a young man approached me and requested that as he was late for his flight, he may be allowed to jump the queue. To this request I agreed. But some how I was not able to understand behavior of the other person and his fellow passengers who just jumped the queue without assigning any reason. Probably that triggered in me a righteous anger. Which was evident on my face. I was annoyed / irritated for a considerable amount of time.

What could be a different way of handling this situation remaining calm? How could I have impressed upon him that what he was doing was not correct without getting emotionally disturbed? We face lot of situations like this in our social interactions. What you do to remain calm? I pride myself being self aware and in control of myself but such situations though far and few trigger me, I lose the grounded ness. What is the antidote for this? This may happen on the road when a rowdy driver is cutting you off dangerously. Or at a supermarket where somebody shoves you to break the queue at the cash counter. Or an altercation with coworker . Or an argument with a teenage kid about how she should keep her room. All these situations can become volatile if not handled from space of calm demeanor.

What are your hacks to remain calm and stable in such situations? Is there anything else we can do? Some people may would like to avoid these altogether. But I think we cannot avoid these.

What is required is deep self-awareness and grounded ness. How do we cultivate that? And how can we retain that? Any ideas?   

Jan Chozen Bays MD gives an exercise for centeredness in her book” How to train a wild elephant and other adventures in Mindfulness”.  The exercise she suggests is as follows.

“Become aware of your center of gravity. It is located in the center of the lower abdomen, about two inches below the navel, and midway between the front abdominal wall and the spine at the back. In martial arts this center of gravity is called the hara(in Japanese) or tan tien (in Chinese)

Whenever your mind wanders, bring your attention back to your center of gravity. Try to initiate all physical actions from this spot in your body – whether you’re reaching, walking, bending, and so on. You can even chop food in this way. Let each chop of knife originate in the hara, flow down the arm into hand , into knife, and through vegetable.

Any time you feel off balance, drop your awareness into your center. It will stabilize your body ,mind and heart.”

 

Don’t imagine: Let go of what may come.

This is the second nail or teaching from Tilopa. What he is actually saying here?. We have heard that imagination is a gift given to humankind and because of imagination the civilization has progressed tremendously. Is Tilopa telling us to stop imagining completely?  If that would be the case then there will not be any technological progress, artistic development and cultural march on this planet. Without imagination there would not have been any difference between Human beings and animals.

So what is he indicating? As I understand this, he is indicating that don’t get invested into imagining so much that you lose track of the present.

 This is a recent experience I would like to share. I had eaten out at a restaurant and came home. I could not figure out what went wrong but I had my stomach upset and fever. I was slightly worried. So I decided to take Covid test. I called for a person to  collect sample at home. The man came and collected my sample. The result was expected a day after. Suddenly my mind went into overdrive. What if I am covid positive? How can I handle the required home isolation of 14 days? How my wife will cope it? What if any complications take place? So and so forth. All this was my mind imagining various situations. At last I got the report and it was negative . I realized what I was unnecessarily indulging in.. It is one thing to be prepared for an eventuality and other thing to get anxious by your own imagination. This is what has happened to me here. I got carried away by the  imagination, that I lost touch with the present  moment/ reality.

We get engrossed into the imagination which subtly becomes day dreaming or we create a picture in the mind that triggers worry or anxiety. We get so invested in our mental picture that we take it as a reality. Have you observed this happening? As human beings we expect our future to be better than the past. So we weave story after story to get to that better future. Imagining a thing and planning for the consequences so that we are ready, is required. But what Tilopa is hinting at, is the attachment to the imagined future (day dreaming or anxiety inducing) is not good.

This reminds me a story of Shaikh Chilli. This is an extreme example of loss of contact with the reality.

Sheikh Chilli was always engrossed in thought. Once he was sitting on the side of wall on the road , that a rich merchant with a huge pot of oil came towards him. He asked Sheikh Chilli that if he carried the pot to the market, he will offer him five dinars. Sheikh Chili found the deal profitable and agreed. He picked the plot and walked along with the merchant. On the way he thought, when the merchant will give me five  dinars I will buy eggs with them, then I will hatch those eggs. Chickens will come out of them. When they will grow they will be full-fledged hens and cocks. They will lay more eggs . I will hatch them all. Then I will have plenty of poultry. Then I will sell them and purchase goats. The goats will deliver lambs and then in due course I will have number of goats. Then I will sell them all and purchase cows. I will sell cow milk and earn lot of money.

When I will become rich, I will get married. Then I will have children. But I will not let them become spend thrift .If they ask for ice cream I will say no no no.  But to express himself Sheikh Chilli shook his head and the pot of oil fell on the ground and was broken. The merchant cursed him for the loss he suffered to which Sheikh Chilli replied “Sir it is only your pot was broken but my whole family life was shattered.”

This is a story told to children. It looks simplistic and unnatural.  But introspect whether you day dream like this or not. Do you get engrossed into future that for some time you lose contact with reality? What is the antidote for this type of day dreaming? Do you get anxious about an upcoming important meeting with boss or some other important event.? Do you feel elated about an upcoming vacation?

Imagination or day dreaming in controlled manner may be good for fueling your creativity, but how do you decide when to stop? Do you indulge in this activity to escape the routine/ monotonous life? All entertainment(movies/web series/novels) is based on this. It takes you away from reality in a dream world which may beautiful or scary. You come back to reality when the movie is over. What you do to come back to reality from your imagined world? what is  the hack that you use to remain present?.

 Tilopa is saying Let go of What may come. Don’t imagine. Be  present.

“If you worry about what might be, and wonder what might have been, you will ignore what is.” – Unknown