Centeredness

 

It was a cool November day. I was travelling from Pune to Ahmadabad. My flight was in the afternoon. Airlines had texted us to be there at airport 3 hours prior to departure time because of rush at the security gates. I thought it was just a way of the airline to push customers be on time. Me and my wife reached the airport 2 hours prior to departure. I realized that airlines was right. There was huge queue at the entrance itself. After entering the gate we found that the queue for baggage drop was also a big one. It took considerable time for us to reach the baggage drop point. After that we stood in the security queue. It was long serpentine line which was moving at a snails' pace. I was getting worried whether we will miss our flight. After nearly half an hour I was near the security gate. Suddenly a man and his compatriots came from no where and broke the queue and went ahead. I confronted the person telling him that all people are standing in the queue and this is not the way. Probably I was little annoyed at his behavior and it was evident on my face. To my surprise he took offence and started using foul language and what not. I remained externally calm but I was angry inside. I did not say  anything seeing the unruly behavior of the person. I cleared the security and reached my wife. She asked me what happened. I just narrated the incidence. But it took me good amount of time to calm down.

On reflection I realized that just before this incidence a young man approached me and requested that as he was late for his flight, he may be allowed to jump the queue. To this request I agreed. But some how I was not able to understand behavior of the other person and his fellow passengers who just jumped the queue without assigning any reason. Probably that triggered in me a righteous anger. Which was evident on my face. I was annoyed / irritated for a considerable amount of time.

What could be a different way of handling this situation remaining calm? How could I have impressed upon him that what he was doing was not correct without getting emotionally disturbed? We face lot of situations like this in our social interactions. What you do to remain calm? I pride myself being self aware and in control of myself but such situations though far and few trigger me, I lose the grounded ness. What is the antidote for this? This may happen on the road when a rowdy driver is cutting you off dangerously. Or at a supermarket where somebody shoves you to break the queue at the cash counter. Or an altercation with coworker . Or an argument with a teenage kid about how she should keep her room. All these situations can become volatile if not handled from space of calm demeanor.

What are your hacks to remain calm and stable in such situations? Is there anything else we can do? Some people may would like to avoid these altogether. But I think we cannot avoid these.

What is required is deep self-awareness and grounded ness. How do we cultivate that? And how can we retain that? Any ideas?   

Jan Chozen Bays MD gives an exercise for centeredness in her book” How to train a wild elephant and other adventures in Mindfulness”.  The exercise she suggests is as follows.

“Become aware of your center of gravity. It is located in the center of the lower abdomen, about two inches below the navel, and midway between the front abdominal wall and the spine at the back. In martial arts this center of gravity is called the hara(in Japanese) or tan tien (in Chinese)

Whenever your mind wanders, bring your attention back to your center of gravity. Try to initiate all physical actions from this spot in your body – whether you’re reaching, walking, bending, and so on. You can even chop food in this way. Let each chop of knife originate in the hara, flow down the arm into hand , into knife, and through vegetable.

Any time you feel off balance, drop your awareness into your center. It will stabilize your body ,mind and heart.”

 

Don’t imagine: Let go of what may come.

This is the second nail or teaching from Tilopa. What he is actually saying here?. We have heard that imagination is a gift given to humankind and because of imagination the civilization has progressed tremendously. Is Tilopa telling us to stop imagining completely?  If that would be the case then there will not be any technological progress, artistic development and cultural march on this planet. Without imagination there would not have been any difference between Human beings and animals.

So what is he indicating? As I understand this, he is indicating that don’t get invested into imagining so much that you lose track of the present.

 This is a recent experience I would like to share. I had eaten out at a restaurant and came home. I could not figure out what went wrong but I had my stomach upset and fever. I was slightly worried. So I decided to take Covid test. I called for a person to  collect sample at home. The man came and collected my sample. The result was expected a day after. Suddenly my mind went into overdrive. What if I am covid positive? How can I handle the required home isolation of 14 days? How my wife will cope it? What if any complications take place? So and so forth. All this was my mind imagining various situations. At last I got the report and it was negative . I realized what I was unnecessarily indulging in.. It is one thing to be prepared for an eventuality and other thing to get anxious by your own imagination. This is what has happened to me here. I got carried away by the  imagination, that I lost touch with the present  moment/ reality.

We get engrossed into the imagination which subtly becomes day dreaming or we create a picture in the mind that triggers worry or anxiety. We get so invested in our mental picture that we take it as a reality. Have you observed this happening? As human beings we expect our future to be better than the past. So we weave story after story to get to that better future. Imagining a thing and planning for the consequences so that we are ready, is required. But what Tilopa is hinting at, is the attachment to the imagined future (day dreaming or anxiety inducing) is not good.

This reminds me a story of Shaikh Chilli. This is an extreme example of loss of contact with the reality.

Sheikh Chilli was always engrossed in thought. Once he was sitting on the side of wall on the road , that a rich merchant with a huge pot of oil came towards him. He asked Sheikh Chilli that if he carried the pot to the market, he will offer him five dinars. Sheikh Chili found the deal profitable and agreed. He picked the plot and walked along with the merchant. On the way he thought, when the merchant will give me five  dinars I will buy eggs with them, then I will hatch those eggs. Chickens will come out of them. When they will grow they will be full-fledged hens and cocks. They will lay more eggs . I will hatch them all. Then I will have plenty of poultry. Then I will sell them and purchase goats. The goats will deliver lambs and then in due course I will have number of goats. Then I will sell them all and purchase cows. I will sell cow milk and earn lot of money.

When I will become rich, I will get married. Then I will have children. But I will not let them become spend thrift .If they ask for ice cream I will say no no no.  But to express himself Sheikh Chilli shook his head and the pot of oil fell on the ground and was broken. The merchant cursed him for the loss he suffered to which Sheikh Chilli replied “Sir it is only your pot was broken but my whole family life was shattered.”

This is a story told to children. It looks simplistic and unnatural.  But introspect whether you day dream like this or not. Do you get engrossed into future that for some time you lose contact with reality? What is the antidote for this type of day dreaming? Do you get anxious about an upcoming important meeting with boss or some other important event.? Do you feel elated about an upcoming vacation?

Imagination or day dreaming in controlled manner may be good for fueling your creativity, but how do you decide when to stop? Do you indulge in this activity to escape the routine/ monotonous life? All entertainment(movies/web series/novels) is based on this. It takes you away from reality in a dream world which may beautiful or scary. You come back to reality when the movie is over. What you do to come back to reality from your imagined world? what is  the hack that you use to remain present?.

 Tilopa is saying Let go of What may come. Don’t imagine. Be  present.

“If you worry about what might be, and wonder what might have been, you will ignore what is.” – Unknown

 

Coaching

 WISHING  EVERYONE  OF  YOU  A  HAPPY  NEW  YEAR.

Now something about what I do. 

I am an ICF certified Coach with a passion to assist people gain clarity in their thinking and thereby lead to laser focused action. 

What is coaching? International Coaching Federation defines coaching as “partnering with a client in a thought provoking and creative  process that inspires them to maximize their personal and professional potential. “

 I am sure, you must have glanced into a mirror before you got out  for work, job or any other activity. Why do you do that? It is essential to know if you look presentable for the meeting you are attending. The mirror reflects your image and you see  yourself and change your appearance if necessary.

When was the last time you peeped into a mirror for your internal world of thoughts, beliefs and emotions?  As a coach ,I am the mirror  who will reflect your internal world to you without any distortions or judgments. This will enable you to introspect and make the necessary changes for your happiness and purpose. I hope to help you understand yourself better and provide you with tools to effectively reflect on your thought process. I will work with you to help you achieve your potential.

Are you feeling stuck in your job?

Are you apprehensive of the promotion and overwhelmed about how will you handle that?

Are you contemplating a change in career but feeling worried about it? 

Do you sometimes feel you should improve your communication so that you can progress in your career?

Do you think you would like to improve your relationship with your boss or significant other?

In  the current Volatile, Uncertain, Complex and Ambiguous world do you think you need a thinking partner?

Then, as a Coach, I can be of help. I will be a mirror to your internal world who will assist  you to be the beacon of change.

If you would like to have session with me, I look forward to connecting with you. My email  is pundemadhav65@gmail.com or madhavpunde@rediffmail.com

You can see my Linked In profile here

 https://www.linkedin.com/in/madhav-punde-99b2598/

We can set up a meeting and see how it evolves.

 

Let go of what has passed.

 

Don’t recall. Let  go of what has passed.

This is the first of six nails or teachings of a Buddhist monk Tilopa.

 How profound? Can we do this? Not to recall; let go of what has passed. The human mind is conditioned to avoid pain and seek pleasure. So, it consistently tries to create conditions to avoid pain and get pleasure. Is it not? Just pause and reflect, what happens when you go through a normal day. How many times we recall past things that are pleasurable and avoid negative experiences.

Couple of years back I had moved to the city of Ahmadabad in Gujarat – a western state of India. Ahmadabad is famous for many things. But I am attracted to the snacks made from gram flour here. Fafada and Dhokla are these snacks. Fafada is a fried one while Dhokla is a steamed one. When I first came, I ordered fafada and enjoyed it thoroughly. So much so that I started ordering it every Sunday as a breakfast menu. I do enjoy it  But the law of diminishing returns has kicked in and the joy has somewhat diminished. What I was doing here? I was trying to create the same joy when I ate Fafada for the first time. I am clinging to the memory of that first experience and want to recreate that experience again and again.

Sometimes back I had a heated discussion with my then boss.  When I came home , I ruminated on it. I recreated the scene in my mind. I thought about what would have happened If I have argued the point I was making, in a different fashion. I felt the regret, the strong emotions again, even though the incident has happened earlier.

Have you experienced this? Do you try to recreate your happy experiences again and again? Or do you remember your awkward / shameful moments and think about how you could have avoided those?

Many travel companies lure you to buy holidays at exotic destinations by tapping into your need for creating happy moments in nature. Is it not? Think about it.

What is wrong in all this? You will notice that your mind gets conditioned to seek happy experiences and avoid unpleasant experiences. You loose touch with the reality. You are not present there- where  actually you are. Have you experienced- that you enjoy planning your holidays. Then when you actually are on holidays – you start worrying about your return journey plans. Or you are seeing an awesome Sunset and instead of soaking into the sight, you become busy in taking a photograph of that view, so that you can share with your friends on Facebook/ Instagram.

All this takes you away from the present moment which is the real source of peace and joy. Hence Tilopa says let go- Don’t recall. Remain in present.

Tell me how can you practice this.

This again reminds me a beautiful Zen story.

A senior monk and a junior monk were traveling together. At one point, they came to a river with a strong current. As the monks were preparing to cross the river, they saw a very young and beautiful woman also attempting to cross. The young woman asked if they could help her cross to the other side. The two monks glanced at one another because they had taken vows not to touch a woman.

Then, without a word, the older monk picked up the woman, carried her across the river, placed her gently on the other side, and carried on his journey. The younger monk couldn’t believe what had just happened. After re-joining his companion, he was speechless, and an hour passed without a word between them.

Two more hours passed, then three, finally the younger monk could contain himself any longer, and blurted out “As monks, we are not permitted a woman, how could you then carry that woman on your shoulders?”

The older monk looked at him and replied, “Brother, I set her down on the other side of the river, why are you still carrying her?”

 

From ( https://medium.com/@soninilucas/two-monks-and-a-woman-zen-story-c15294c394c1)

Do your Best.

 

Always Do Your Best: Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

This is the fourth agreement, from the Book the Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.

How can you do your best? In Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi’s words, a flow is a state, in which people are so involved in an activity that nothing else, seems to matter. In other words, flow is a state of intense engagement, focus and contentment in the present moment and current activity. Here the fourth agreement above tells us ,to do our best in any activity - to avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret. How do you give your best and achieve the state of flow?

Let us assume that you play tennis and enjoy it thoroughly. You are among the top 4 players of the club.  You are playing a match with a player from different club who seems to be better than you.  The player challenges you to put out your best performance and a splendid match happens on the court. You realize that you were completely involved in the game intensely and there was no other thought in your mind and you enjoyed every shot of the match thoroughly. What you experienced was a state of flow. Here, there was a combination of challenge, interest and joy which resulted in the state of flow.

But how could we do that in our daily repetitive, monotonous tasks and other works which may not be interesting. Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi defines 8 characteristics of flow.1) Complete concentration on the task 2) clarity of goals and reward in mind and immediate feedback 3) Transformation of time (speeding up/slowing down) 4) The experience is intrinsically rewarding 5) Effortlessness and Ease 6) Balance between challenge and skills 7) Actions and awareness are merged, loosing self- conscious rumination 8) Feeling of control over a task

When you go through these characteristics, one thing becomes clear that the work, we do, in the corporate set up or anywhere else does not guarantee us, to be in the flow state always. May be sometimes, we find ourselves in the flow state but such times are far and few. Can we transform our tasks (without changing jobs) so that we try to approach the flow state by giving our best at the same time?

First thing that comes to my mind is to avoid distractions. The modern digital age is too distracting. We get continuous notifications of our mails, WhatsApp messages, Facebook stories, Instagram posts and tweets. The first step could be, to turn off these notifications when we are embarking on work. We think that multitasking helps us, to complete so many activities in short time. But that is not true. Multitasking distracts us and leaves us a with feeling of overwhelmed- ness and tiredness, after we try to finish so many activities. Next thing we can do is to concentrate on one activity at a time. This may seem pre digital age practice. But it helps and you can give your best to that activity. If you are a multitasker, try this for a week and you will find the difference in your effectiveness and mental satisfaction.

Even if we do take these steps, many of the works we perform do not ensure that we can get into flow state.  Suppose you are working as an accountant in a Pharma firm who processes the vendor / supplier payments daily. This is a routine and repetitive job. And not much of a challenge. You feel bored with mechanical work.  Prof.Srikumar Rao suggests a beautiful way out for this.  He advises that you should not view  your work, as that of an accountant, who processes invoices. This is too narrow a view. Change this perspective. Your pharma company is selling drugs which may be mitigating pain/ disease of the people across the world. Take the view ,that by processing invoices of vendors, you are actually helping people across world, to get free from pain/ disease. This view will give you the inspiration and direction in your otherwise monotonous job. Take another example. Suppose you are working as a technician in a telecom company and your job is to restore faults of Optical Fiber cable (OFC). IF you take the view, that you are a technician, who just attends to OFC faults, then you will start feeling the drudgery and monotony of the job. But if you take a broader view that by clearing those faults you are helping to restore the OFC network through which remote parts of the country get connected to internet and because of that people in remote parts of the country can access Tele banking, Tele medicine and Tele education services. You will feel different.

 Someone may ask how this is possible. This is nothing but a shift in the way you look at the things. You may have to start practicing this earnestly. You will not feel immediately, the result of this perspective shift but slowly you will get there and you will find meaning in the job.

This advice by Prof. Rao reminds me of a story I read somewhere.

Longtime ago in a town, a big temple was being constructed. There were number of stone cutters, who were helping build the temple. One day the Architect of the temple was taking a round, along with his assistant. He met a stone cutter on the way. He asked him what he is doing? The man replied, can’t you see; I am cutting stones. The Architect moved forward and met second stone cutter. He asked the second man what are you doing? The man replied I am cutting stones that will go in a wall that will make the temple so that I can feed my family. Then Architect encountered the third man whom he asked what are you doing? The man replied I am building a magnificent temple which when completed will be visited by many people and I can tell people that I was part of this endeavor. What Prof. Rao advises is to imbibe the attitude of the third man so that the job becomes inspiring and motivating.

What about daily home chores? Like doing dishes, folding laundry, changing bed sheets. How do you go about these chores?

“There are two ways to wash the dishes. The first is to wash the dishes in order to have clean dishes and the second is to wash the dishes to wash the dishes.” Thich  Nhat Nanh.

What he says here is, not to be in a hurry to wash dishes so that you can see the movie you have planned or drink tea which you want to enjoy. But wash the dishes for sake of washing. This should become a practice in mindfulness and once this happens, it can be invigorating rather than boring.

 Some of the readers of this blog, may think that this is too idealistic. Can we apply this to our daily life activities? What do you think? How can you adopt to this mind set? What hacks can you employ?

 I understand that we cannot reach a stage immediately, where we will start enjoying every mundane, repetitive activity. But if we start bringing change in the attitude through which we look at them: a process of slow transformation will kick in and you will move ahead to be more present and joyful.

“My actions are only my true belongings”. Thich Naht Hanh

Don't Make Assumptions

 

Don't Make Assumptions: Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

 This is the third agreement, from Don Miguel Ruiz’s book, Four Agreements. If we are able to follow this, it will profoundly change our life.

Recently I  travelled from Ahmadabad to Pune, by air. While doing web check in, the Airline informed, that for travelling to Pune you will require  a negative RTPCR report done 72 hrs prior to departure or a certificate for vaccination, with the condition that, minimum 15 days, should  have elapsed between the second dose of vaccination and date of travel. As I was fully vaccinated, I went ahead and travelled. After some time, my son was to travel to Bangalore from Pune. I booked a ticket for him. Before the travel date, he did the mandatory web check in. He was all ready to go, as he was joining his new job at Bangalore and was really excited. On the day of travel, we offered our best wishes and he went to the airport. At the baggage drop counter, he was asked about the negative RTPCR report for Covid, before boarding the plane. He was fully vaccinated, so he showed the vaccine certificate, but the airline staff told him, that Bangalore requires the negative report irrespective of vaccination. He has to reschedule the flight, by paying extra money and also take a RTPCR test. This all happened, because we assumed that full vaccination certificate is sufficient, for travel in India. Though, Airline has asked us, to check up the guidelines for Karnataka state on Covid, before web check in,  we did not see those, assuming that, they will be same, as we have encountered in travel from Ahmadabad to Pune.

Our assumption proved totally wrong. It cost us more money, my son lost a day and it really felt bad, as to how come we missed this. Then I realized how apt is the advice – Don’t assume anything. If we had followed this, we could have saved, my son a day and the money required for rescheduling the flight.

This was a clear example of how assumptions could prove us wrong. But this is more pertinent in human relations. Where we assume so many things           without even being aware of those assumptions. Is it not? Let us say, that you are supposed to furnish a report, on the project you are working, to your boss. You submit the report, before the agreed deadline and you do not hear anything from the boss, for next couple of days. How do you feel? You assume that as the boss has not said anything, your report is not up to his expectations. You are doomed now. You are going to get firing, from your boss and so on and so forth. Here unconsciously, you assume so many things, which may or may not be true. And these assumptions, lead you to judging yourself critically or your boss critically. And this starts, impacting your relationship with your boss.

Take another situation. You call your best friend, as you have to share something important with him and he does not respond. He does not call you back for couple of days. What do you think? You start assuming, that he does not care about you. He is selfish. He does not return your call, when you needed him. All these are assumptions- again these may be true or may not be true. But many a times we think they are true without bothering to check their veracity. And as I explained this is far truer in case of relationships, in human interactions. Our assumptions are based on our thinking, our conditioning, our expectations, social norms. If we could just step back and test these assumptions. Ask questions, as Don Miguel Ruiz suggests, we will avoid the unnecessary suffering, that we go through in life. Think about it. How many times we fall prey, to this habit of assuming things and suffer.

This is dramatically explained by Father Anthony De Mello in his book The Heart of the Enlightened through a humorous story. The story is as follows.

The Village drunkard staggered up to the parish priest, newspaper in hand, and greeted him politely. The priest, annoyed, ignored the greeting because the man was slightly inebriated.

He had come with a purpose, however. “Excuse me, Father,” he said, “could you tell me what causes arthritis?” The priest ignored that too.

But when the man repeated the question, the priest turned on him impatiently and cried,” Drinking causes arthritis, that’s what! Gambling causes arthritis! Chasing loose women causes arthritis…” And only then, too late he said “Why did you ask?”

“Because it says right here in the papers that that’s what the pope has!”

 

Don't take anything personally.

 

Don't Take Anything Personally: Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering

This is second agreement from the book Four Agreements. What a sage advice? Can we not take anything personally?

This reminded me an incident which is quite dated but still when I remember it, I feel it has happened just now. I had purchased a new blue colored Sedan. I was driving it to a resort with family. On the road I overtook a mini van carrying goods. On my right there was a road divider, hence to avoid it I swerved my car slightly left while overtaking. And I passed the van so close that I heard metal scratching noise. I ignored it and reached my destination. When I got down and saw a big scratch on the left door of my car. I was aghast. I felt very bad. The scratch really gnawed at  my heart. I felt pain as if I myself has been bruised. And I was not able to enjoy the lunch at the place.  Now I realize that I took that incident personally. Is it not?

One more thing I remember. I had visited a new restaurant in the town. I liked the food, the ambience, the service there so much that I decided to take my few friends there on a weekend. We arrived there and were greeted warmly. We ordered food and had a leisurely dinner while talking. While leaving I asked my friends – So how was it. The reply was -it was good. Somehow, I felt the reply was not enthusiastic. On that day I also felt the food was not up to the mark as I had expected. But the remark made me feel bad. I felt hurt. Now I realize that I took that remark personally. I had not made the food, nor had I served it. But still I felt a pain in my heart.

I realized that I should have got this advice earlier. Don’t take anything personally. We are so invested and attached to the outcome that we take things personally. For our own improvement it is sometimes necessary to take things personally. But not to heart. We should be able to learn our lesson and move on.

The advice is simple but seems very difficult to implement. How you can not take things personally. Our whole conditioning is such that we always take things as to how those will affect us? All our activities are strengthening our Ego and we become so accustomed to it that we forget that there is any other way to live.

 Don Miguel Ruiz has said that what others say and do is a projection of their reality. A human being always lives in his reality which he has created over his life. And that reality is made up of his own thoughts, mental models, conditioning. So when someone says something or does something we should not take it personally. How can we implant this agreement in our mind and act accordingly? Are there any ways to behave in this fashion?

I found a beautiful article on internet on this. Please see link below.

https://daringtolivefully.com/stop-taking-things-personally

I think we should be able to cultivate a witness mode of living. What is this? Try, if you can see what is happening inside and outside of you, as a witness. See what you are doing , what thoughts are moving in your mind as a witness who is away from yourself. I know this is pretty difficult. But even a 5% success will reveal how much life is conditioned by me thoughts and that drives us to take things personally. Being aware is the antidote to this me centeredness.

“Rather than being thoughts and emotions be the awareness behind them.” Echkart Tolle.